1. Conan & Jordan Schlansky Talk About Love 02/15/11

Conan & Jordan Schlansky Talk About Love 02/15/11

Conan tries to talk to the emotionally stoic associate producer, Jordan Schlansky, about love. It doesn't work.

Like Dr. Phil said, Conan's an amorous guy! But there's one "Conan" employee who is definitely not, and that is associate producer Jordan Schlansky. Conan has been working with Jordan for a while now, and has chatted with him on-air in the past. This time, they tackle the very emotional, no-way its possible he knows a thing about it, love. Jordan has some very clinical, emotionless, robotic responses; it looks like SOMEBODY studied philosophy a little too hard in college. But I think Conan goes a little rough on Jordan, he doesn't need to be a suave Lothario--his biggest problem is that he just needs to relax. But that thing with the bear was really funny, so okay, make fun of him all you want!

Transcript:

CONAN: Yesterday as we mentioned was Valentine's Day, hope you had a nice one
ANDY: I did
CONAN: I spent my Valentine's Day with the most romantic person I know. I am talking of course, our shows associate producer, Jordan Schlansky. There he is right there, yeah
(Laughter and applause)
ANDY: Well nothing says romance like a Charles Manson like stare
(Laughter)
CONAN: (laughter) Yeah I know, yeah uh anyway, you know sometimes on the show in the past I've hung out with Jordan. I thought I'd hang out with him on Valentine's Day. So we got together at a local bar to talk about love and just chat about it, chat about love, romance and uh, well here's what happened.

CONAN: Hey I'm here at Timmy Nolan's Tavern and it's just a couple blocks away from the Warner Bros. studio and I'm sitting with one of my associate producers Jordan Schlansky. Are you the only associate producers or are there other ones?
JORDAN: I'm the only one
CONAN: Okay what does an associate producer do?
JORDAN: I have various responsibilities 
(Laughter)
CONAN: Okay, are you a romantic person?
JORDAN: I believe I am a romantic person
CONAN: When you first came to our show, you were a quivering nerd. What happened?
JORDAN: I find with greater life experiences a greater awareness of the outside world and inside world
CONAN: What are you reading from? Is there a script back here? How do you dress to attract a woman? What do you like to wear?
JORDAN: I feel like its most important that you're comfortable with yourself, dressed in something that will make you feel comfortable and confident, and the rest is irrelevant
CONAN: Right. Well see, well not this, you look very much like Jerry Van Dyke on 'COACH'
(laughter)
JORDAN: I don't know what I look like I do not know the reference but I can tell you I'm very confident
CONAN: Do you think you could get married one day? Or do you prefer the life of a swinging single? 
JORDAN: I think it's a fallacy that you could predict your future but these are things that I can anticipate might happen
CONAN: I can predict your future. You're fired if you do not answer my question succinctly. I'm drinking and its I think 11 o'clock in the morning which is never a good sign…uh…I want to hear what turns you on physically about a lady. Do you like it when they're showing a little uh they got the headlights on, cleavage. The puppies are on display in the window, they put their moccasins out to be cleaned by the hotel staff
(Laughter)
Do you like it when the two bald priests are staring out the highway on the bus. Boobiles. Do you like that kind of look?
JORDAN: I find there is a general consistency on the way someone looks on the outside and the way they are on the inside 
CONAN: If you talk about the inside, one more time. I will pull your face off with my hands. 
Is this something you would ever give a girl you were interested in?
JORDAN: Possibly 
CONAN: Really? It's not as romantic as you think. This is a bear that was born with its heart outside its chest.  (laughter) Look the bear is like kill me, kill me I want to die my hearts outside my chest…no no no bear (laughter)
Now you and I have talked about hypotheticals, I'd like to see what a woman thinks. I have asked one of our researches Sarah Bruno to join us. Sarah? Try your approach on Sarah
JORDAN: How are you?
SARAH: Fine, how are you?
JORDAN: You know this is the first Irish bar that I have been to in Los Angeles and I find it's really different than the ones I find in New York. It's almost upscale and I didn't know they were popular here. 
CONAN: Now, what do you think about that approach?
SARAH: Uh, very talkative. 
CONAN: Very talkative, "I haven't been to an Irish bar" "I haven't noticed this" "I haven't done that" "me me me me" What are you an opera singer? ME ME ME ME ME
I think our notes on Jordan are say less
SARAH: Mhm definitely
CONAN: Don't shop at Kids Gap, physical relax a bit and open up a bit, come on. Yeah, yeah, Yes! Look at that!
SARAH: Yeah, I like that
CONAN: Jordan you're back to your pose, look what happened to you naturally contracted
JORDAN: I think it is important to be in a pose where you feel comfortable and relaxed
CONAN: Sure, I know this its a Tai Chi position, it's called Rod up the Ass
(laughter)
Well there you have it, nobody has learned anything and I'm drinking at 11 o'clock in the morning
(Cheers and Applause)