1. Adam Cayton-Holland Stand-Up 01/29/13

Adam Cayton-Holland Stand-Up 01/29/13

Adam might be the only comic who can compare a fast food slogan to testicular cancer.

Transcript:

ADAM: I was recently standing in line at this very crowded coffee shop and there was a young mother in line in front of me.
She had two little girls, like ages 3 and 5.
The little girls kept running off in the crowd and disappearing, coming back.
Running off, and coming back.
Finally they ran out and only one came back.
So the mom leaned down and said Sydney, where's Brooklyn?
Sydney, where's Brooklyn?
Where did Brooklyn go.
It took every ounce of strength in my body not to do, Where's Brooklyn at Where Brooklyn at Don't name your children after city ys -- cities they'll be one of two things a stripper or a member of a posse.
That one is Brooklyn this one we call kid Montana and that fella we just refer to as the comanch.
Don't make eye contact with the comanch.
Wendy's recently got rid of their slogan, and I loved it, their slogan, it's way better than fast food, it's Wendy's.
That's leek saying, it's way better than cancer, it's testicular cancer.
Not buying that one, Wendy's.
I am, however a big fan of U.P.S.'s slogan.
Their slogan, what can brown do for you?
Every time I hear that I want to yell out, sue the board of education!
OK.
All right.
Thank you, book readers.
When I was in second grade, some mornings we'd go into the school and the classroom would be arranged like an airplane two.
Long rows of chairs.
We'd sit in those chairs and losing the power of our fer sill second grade imaginations we'd predend to -- pretend to fly to countries all over the world and learn about them.
The other day, I left $1 on a $6 food purchase because I messed up calculating a 20% tip.
Sometimes kids need to go to school and do math.
I can tell you 90% of the animals on ther is engo tee but if the little hand on the clock goes to four or five,ing I don't know what's happening.
4:30 meeting?
That's great.
I'll be there at 3:00 or 6:00.
Thanks Montessori, I don't know how to do anything.
I know there's two kinds of energy, though.
One of them is Connecticut.
Connecticut energy, the energy with potential intu realy boring.
When I was in grade cool -- school my friend and I would go to the mall and go to sbaro and get pepperoni pizza, eat the pepperoni off and only pay for cheese.
Then in high school we stole little things from a sporting goods store and returned them until we got enough money saved up to get north face coats.
Then in college that friend got kicked out for plagiarizing a paper and then knocked up his 19-year-old girlfriend and then I realized only I was a genius.
My mom is from the south.
I grew up half racist.
I kid because I love.
Southerners have cool sayings that the rest of the country does not use and we should because they're amazing.
I'll give you an example.
I was going for a hike with my grandma outside of Richmond, Virginia, it was sunny outside.
But it started to rain a little bit.
Without any provocation on my part my grandma just blurts out, you know what they say when it's sunny outside and it's raining, it means the devil is beating his wife.
What?
Where did that come from, grandma?
You old coot.
About two hours after that, we found ourselves a at the cracker barrel, because that's what you do.
And my grandma made us thank Jesus for biscuits and free refills.
I realized my grandma doesn't have the firmest fwrass on theology.
I told that joke at a show one time and this hick in the back, he yelled out, Richmond, Virginia, that ain't the south.
To which I responded, well, it was the capital of the confederacy.
To which he responded, Gay.
Irrefutable logic, sir.
Thank you all for listening to my jokes.
I very much appreciate it.