1. Artie Lange Hates Alex Rodriguez

Artie Lange Hates Alex Rodriguez

Artie is a lifelong Yankees fan, but agrees with the Red Sox that it's time to put ARod out to pasture.


CONAN: Thanks for being with us.
Artie: People think I'm a moron.
I just bought these on sunset boulevard for $800.
A Mexican guy -- $800.
I got to congratulate you.
I'm a yankee fan.
CONAN: We know.
Artie: This red sox team has a very dear place in my heart.
And that's because the first girl I ever had sex with looked like David Ortiz!
Artie: If she took her pants off, big papa.
I'm kidding.
Jonny: Are you sure it wasn't David Ortiz?
Artie: Did she have a neck tattoo?
Artie: I'm a yankee fan and I think a-rod is a dirt bag.
CONAN: As a yankee fan?
Artie: I know these guys hate a-rod.
I know the deal.
And you guys, do me a favor, I need you to make him depressed.
Could you bang Cameron Diaz and take a picture and send it to a-rod?
CONAN: A-rod, you want him off, you want him gone?
Artie: He is not blue collar like these guys.
He is just a jerkoff.
CONAN: I understood the second word.
Artie: He is the kind of guy, He makes $32 million a year and does the direct opposite.
We are paying him to hit the baseball and He strikes out every single year.
He is like a guy you pay to mow your lawn but takes a dump on your lawn and comes over and wants the money.
No, I have a contract.
And a-hole agent says you have to pay me.
Like, when they lost in the world series, they look upset and mad.
CONAN: Their lives were ruined.
Artie: These guys were great guys.
The guys in the 1960's, they had wives that looked like me.
Artie: They didn't want to go home.
Artie: But a-rod, He makes 32 million a year and has a corporation and you have a fat kid that has hot kids, parking, tickets, a grand for the game and in traffic.
And next day you pick up the newspaper and next day, a-rod is in  [BLEEP] in Miami.
Artie: And you know, come on, it's the truth.
He can hang around the Bronx for the day.
He has those pillowy pink lips.
I think it is a shade of purple.
It's a shade of purple.
It aggravates me.
Jonny: You should try it.
Artie: It doesn't look good on a fat guy.