1. Brent Morin Stand-Up 07/08/13

Brent Morin Stand-Up 07/08/13

No matter what Aaron Sorkin says, Brent proves it's impossible to walk and talk AND be super-suave.

Transcript:

WELCOME THE VERY FUNNY, BRENT MORIN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BRENT: HELLO.
HOW ARE YOU?
HELLO, ANGIE.
VERY PRETTY.
WISH I DIDN'T LIKE PRETTY GIRLS.
I REALLY DO.
I WISH I DIDN'T LIKE WOMEN THAT ARE OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
MY LIFE WOULD BE EASIER IF I LIKED HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE LOOKING ALLEY CATS, SHADOW CREATURES, CAN'T MAKE OUT WHAT THEY ARE, THEY DON'T SPEAK A LANGUAGE, JUST SOUNDS.
I'M IN THE CITY WITH MY FRIENDS AT NIGHT, PASS A DARK ALLEY AND IT'S --
[INDISCERNIBLE]
"WAIT UP, BOYS, I THINK I HEAR A PRINCESS.
HOW DID YOU GET ALL THE WAY UP THERE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PULL-UPS?"
[INDISCERNIBLE]
"I GOT BEAUTIFUL RED EYES."
BUT I DON'T.
I LIKE WOMEN OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
YOU WOMEN -- ANOTHER PRETTY ONE, MAN -- YOU WOMEN ARE MEAN, VERY 
MEAN, IT'S HARD TO HIT ON YOU.
BECAUSE WOMEN WILL TURN YOU DOWN RIGHT AWAY AND SAY THINGS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF.
JUST SAY NO.
YOU ALREADY WON, I DON'T NEED THE ADD-ONS.
LIKE I'LL BE AT A BAR, I SEE A GIRL I LIKE.
"YOU'RE WEIRD, DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU HAVE A HORRIBLE BODY.
LIKE YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE BODY.
LIKE YOUR BODY PUSHES IN AND STAYS IN.
YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
YOU HAVE A TEMPUR-PEDIC BODY.
ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU HAVE THAT?
IT'S LIKE A SLEEP NUMBER 7.
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.
STAY HERE, MY FRIENDS NEED TO SAY THIS.
AMANDA, DAVID -- HE'S GAY -- 
KRISTIN, COME HERE.
BRING YOUR DRINKS, YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS.
PUSH THIS BODY IN KRISTEN, THAT'S TEMPUR-PEDIC.
IT'S LIKE A PILLOW BODY, IT'S NOT GOOD.
DAVID, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY, SLEEP NUMBER 7, THANK YOU, DAVID.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE A GAY FRIEND.
NOW GO DRINK AND GET IN A FIGHT."
THAT'S WHY WE SEE FIGHTS BETWEEN GUYS --
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
APPRECIATE IT.
THAT'S WHY WE SEE FIGHTS BETWEEN 
GUYS LIKE ME, BEING HELD BACK.
SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER, "I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS, MAN."
WHAT WE SHOULD SAY IS, "I SHOULDN'T HAVE WORN THIS SHIRT.
I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT.
SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ME.
I PAINT."
MY BIGGEST PROBLEM IS I WANT TO BE COOL, BUT I'M NOT COOL, BUT I TRY TO BE COOL.
DON'T DO THAT, JUST STAY YOURSELF.
I WAS AT A PARTY RECENTLY AND SAW A GIRL I KNOW AND SHE SAID, "HEY, BRENT."
EASILY COULD HAVE SAID "HI," AND I LOOKED AT HER AND POINTED AT HER AND I SAID, "JANE DAME.
I WAS LIKE, DAMN IT, GET THE CAR, MIKE, GET THE CAR.
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
"I RHYMED."
>> YOU RHYMED ALREADY, JUST GET THE CAR, MIKE!
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
"DR. SEUSS RUINED THE PARTY AGAIN."
I CAN'T LEAVE A CONVERSATION BECAUSE I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING SMART OR CHARMING WHEN I'M WALKING AWAY, BUT I'VE LEARNED I'M NOT SMART ENOUGH TO WALK AND TALK.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO SAY SOMETHING SMART OR CHARMING WHEN YOU'RE WALKING AWAY AND YOUR BRAIN AND MOUTH DOESN'T WORK AND WORDS DON'T COME OUT?
EVER DO THAT AND TRY TO BE A PERSON?
AS I'M LEAVING, THAT SAME GIRL WAS LIKE, "GOOD TO SEE YOU" AND I'M LIKE, "HEY, YOU GOT A FORT --
MIKE, THE CAR!"
I TRIED TO JUSTIFY IT IN MY HEAD LIKE MAYBE SHE THINKS I HAD A STROKE AND I HANDLED IT WELL.
EVER DO THAT AND YOU'RE WALKING AWAY AND YOU GOT TO GO BACK.
DAMN IT!
IT'S OK, I'LL GET ANOTHER CHANCE AND SHE THREW ME, LIKE, "HAVE A GOOD NIGHT" AND I WAS LIKE, "KEEP THE RAIN DOWN."
KEEP THE RAIN DOWN?
WHAT ARE YOU, PRINCE?
"MIKE, THE CAR, I'M NOT DOING WELL!"
"WHY ARE YOU WALKING IN CIRCLES?"
"WHY ARE YOU ASKING QUESTIONS INSTEAD OF GETTING THE CAR?
YOU'RE THE WORST DESIGNATED DRIVER EVER!"
"SHE'S LOOKING AT YOU WEIRD."
>> SHE'S STILL THERE?
WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
>> SAY SOMETHING!
>> MIKE, HELP!
"DUDE, THAT WAS WEIRDER."
"I KNOW IT WAS WEIRD, PLEASE GET THE CAR, PLEASE, I'M NOT DOING WELL AND I'M GETTING DIZZY, I NEED YOUR HELP."
"ARE YOU OK?"
"CAT IN THE HAT."
CAT IN THE HAT?
"DID YOU JUST SAY CAT IN THE HAT?"
"YES, I DID, JUST PLEASE HELP.
>> YOU NEED ME TO PUSH YOU IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION?"
"PUSH A PENIS."
PUSH A PENIS!
DID YOU SAY PUSH A PENIS?"
MIKE, JUST GET THE CAR!
I'M BRENT MORIN, THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]