1. Chad Daniels Stand-Up 01/09/14

Chad Daniels Stand-Up 01/09/14

Chad Daniels' best advice on raising a teenage boy? Knock. Even if the door's open.

Transcript:

CHAD: Hello, how are you?
 [Cheers and Applause]
three weeks ago I went golfing and beat my wife for the first time.
Those are two separate things.
 [Laughter]
I got home, she's like, were you golfing again?
And I lost it.
I'm dressed like an ass hole.
What do you think?
 [Laughter]
Thank you.
My wife has a Ph.D. in ghentics, but that's it.
Doesn't have a Ph.D. in everything, even though you would not know that from talking to her.
I mean she's very smart.
One day she goes, Chad, what would you ever do without me?
I'm a grown-up with a job.
You heard what happened.
"Conan" said my name, I heard it and that was me and I came out here all by myself.
That's not true.
There's a guy behind the curtain that holds your arm until you're supposed to go.
He totally put tape where I was supposed to stand.
The question is, what would I do without that guy?
The answer is, I would still be in my dressing room eating cupcakes looking for the funky bunch.
 [Cheers and Applause]
I would.
I would be looking for them.
I couldn't find them anywhere.
You know what I would do without my wife?
I would raise my kids to be at least this old.
 [Laughter]
Because I have done it.
I have a human being to here.
That's why it never made sense.
I could never have a kid.
I can't keep a plant alive.
You're not a plant.
You don't have to know how photosynthesis works to keep a child alive.
Maybe your food and cut it smaller.
Simple, cut up a steak and put it in a plant, you have dead plant on your hands.
They're just little people.
I'm a big person.
I can help with that because I have been there.
My daughter is is 9.
I have been a 9-year-old person.
I know that's when girls get real Bitchy.
 [Laughter]
Right?
Hook their elbows together and walk down the hallway.
You have new shoes, slut!
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba!
I have been 9.
I can help with that.
My son's 14.
I have been there.
I told him if you ever have to give a speech in front of your class, consider taping your Dick down that day.
 [Laughter and Applause]
Look at all of the dudes loving it.
We all know 14-year-old boners do not keep a schedule.
 [Laughter]
I want to you know my wife is an outstanding mother, but she's never been a teenage boy.
And I am very happy about that.
 [Laughter]
But she has a lot of questions for me.
When he turned 13, we have a teenager now.
What are we going to do?
Well, we're going to knock.
 [Laughter]
 [Applause]
First and foremost, we're going to knock.
Even if the door is is open, I would like you to reach around and give it a tap.
Because he might be reaching around and giving it a tab.
 [Applause]
Teenage boys are the most disgusting creatures on the face of the earth.
Mofferingies throw their own feces at you and I would rather have one of those living at my place.
I don't trust anything in my house.
Open refrigerator with my foot because I don't know if he had sex with it when I wasn't home.
And nobody should be disdisgusted by that.
Especially not the guy.
All of us got home from school before our parents got home from work, looked at the space between couch cushions and thought, yeah, maybe.
 [Laughter]
God, that might feel all right.
 [Laughter]
What is that velvet?
Is that velvet?
 [Laughter]
Sometimes my wife treats me like an idiot and I want you to know that I have earned it.
We're at the food court one day and she goes, I'm going to go over here and get a sandwich.
You need help getting kids food?
Um, no!
I know how to buy food, you jackass.
 [Laughter]
I'm walking up to the store taking I will take one of those.
What's that?
I need money.
Oh, I didn't know that.
I am just the dad.
Let me get the mom.
She knows everything.
Can I leave the kids here or do I have to take them with me?
My penis doesn't let Blaine work all the way.
Can somebody grab my wife?
She's the one in the cape!
 [Laughter]
It was a food court where there was only one set of food prints because that's where she carried me.
You guys are great.
Thank you very much!
Thanks a lot!
Thank you!
CONAN: That was great.
CHAD: Thanks.
CONAN: Terrific.
Chad Daniels, everybody!
Be right back!