1. Chris Fairbanks Stand-Up 01/23/14

Chris Fairbanks Stand-Up 01/23/14

Chris' body is just like Michelangelo's David--just not in the way you think.

Transcript:

CHRIS FAIRBANKS: Thank you for having me.
Or thank you for coming, whichever.
I don't know which.
I don't know who is in charge.
Whose party is this?
Maybe that tall guy.
They say the biggest fear in America is heights and public speaking.
Those are the biggest fears.
Oh, I don't know.
I think we can all agree our biggest fear is being tipped over while sitting in a port-a-potty.
[Laughter]
CHRIS FAIRBANKS: Horrifying.
I went to the doctor recently just for no, just for shits and giggles, I figure this they're happening at the same time, there has to be something wrong.
[Laughter]
CHRIS FAIRBANKS: I am part native American, I just found out.
I wish I had known before college.
[Laughter]
CHRIS FAIRBANKS: It's not by blood actually.
I'm part native American because my mom used a dream catcher as a diaphragm and you never know what you're going to capture.
I look like this guy, blue eyes, what a ripoff.
My roommate says that I brush my teeth gay?
All right.
What?
Thoroughly, I brush them thoroughly.
But gay?
Stop, get out of the bathroom, like put on a shirt while you're watching, OK.
Here is how I brush my teeth, just like you guys, I get my brush and I just brush and then I get his brush and I just kind of do that for about five minutes.
Then I squirt toothpaste on my chest, my broad sculpted hairless chest.
That's right, sculpted.
Wow, you have the body of Mike language low -- michelango's David.
I'm white, quite smooth and missing most of my penis.
Nah, come on.
It's all there, works great.
I say the wrong thing when it goes off, like you know towards the end of sex where you're breathing hard and you want to say something sweet, but you're out of breath.
You're a pretty lady or another example.
I have a pretty good one and I have been using it.
It's getting mixed reviews from the ladies. I'll run it by you right now.
Right towards the end and it's important, I like to go I'm going to go number three, very specific.
[Laughter]
CHRIS FAIRBANKS: I like Yamaha.
I like how -- what a segue.
I like how Yamaha makes motorcycles and then also pianos, same logo exactly, same factory, I guess.
Motorcycles and pianos, huh, Yamaha.
Hey, way to nail a nonexistent demographic, just one Asian guy with a mullet operating a ferris wheel preparing for his con kerto.
Lollypops, OK, I ruined that joke.
Do you guys like soup?
Of course, who is right, Campbells or chambell's either one.
I like Campbell's chunky.
Why, it sticks, you can eat it with a fork.
You can eat that with a stick or a car key if you're desperate.
You're probably in a dip somewhere crying.
You have -- don't have on star, you bought a KIA.
Well, oh, here is a character.
One door closes, another one opens.
That's my impression of a guy trying to stay positive while living in a haunted house.
[Laughter]
Thank you.
No, you're not wrong to clap.
I'm going to wrap it up here, be funny right then I put on a condom, but we have had some fun laughing.
We laughed about 50% of this.
I want to leave you with something serious, though, if I could just get your -- other than the one where your teeth are falling out and you look down and your hands are melting and then you look down and your lower body is that of a horse, other than that one, it's important to follow your dreams.
Thank you, thank you very much.
[Cheers and Applause]