1. Conan Busts His Employees Eating Cake

Conan Busts His Employees Eating Cake

If you're going to start a secret email chain, make sure your boss doesn't find out - especially if your boss is Conan.


CONAN: Now we tape an episode everyday of a television show and some days we work hard on it and other days not so much
Anyway, in a lot of ways its much like a typical work environment. Okay? Just a typical work environment and uh, occasionally as in any office injustices occur among the co-workers. And since I'm the boss I feel like I am the one that needs to address these injustices and keep everything in the work place nice and fair. Well yesterday, something came up that I decided I needed to address. We actually have it on video, take it look.

Theres a lot of free food that comes into our office. Gifts, uh different shows, companies, they send great stuff here. Cakes, candies and people really enjoy eating it. The problem is there is never enough to go around. Recently, we found out that there is a secret email list that goes around alerting certain special people on staff that there is food here and they can come get it before anyone else has a chance. So what we've done is set out a nice big ice cream cake and some cookies and some fruit on a table. I've got an email right here, we found the email list, the secret email list, and I'm going to send this out right now. It says our friends at E! sent over an awesome looking ICE CREAM CAKE and some tasty snacks. Will go fast. Looks delicious! 2nd floor conference room. Now! I'm going to send this out, we're going to see what rats come to nibble the cheese. There is a hidden camera in the conference room and as you can see the food is out. Bombs away, okay, the message has been released and now we wait and see who shows up. Here we go, okay Sharon Hardy is first. 

CONAN: Okay, whats going on? 
SHARON: I was told there was cake
CONAN: You were told there was cake. You were told in an email that was sent to everyone on staff?
SHARON: Uhh yes or just a few people on staff
CONAN: Okay, so just a few people were alerted there was cake. Have you ever had any feelings of guilt, like I'm getting tipped off before anyone else. 
SHARON: A little bit yeah, we've actually spoken about it
CONAN: You've spoken about it? But that didn't stop you from doing it. You, did you feel any guilt?
>> Uh there was time where I was not on the list and I'm glad I'm on the list now
CONAN: You're just glad you're in a life boat, you don't care about the other souls in the water
>> Pretty much, I guess
CONAN: Okay, I have a question for you. The cake says Congratulations from your friends at E! Did you have any questions about what we
SHARON: Yes we all said that question 
CONAN: Said what?
SHARON: I wonder what we're being congratulated for. 
DIXON: We thought maybe we were moving to another network. Maybe that was our next network
CONAN: You are on such thin ice with me pal
SHARON: I think this was a whole trap that the whole foodies line-up didn't-
CONAN: You call yourselves the foodies?
SHARON: Well thats what the email list is called
CONAN: It's called the foodies? 
CONAN: You just spit, you just spit. Sharon, you're in such deep trouble right now
First of all, can I say that I was watching, we had closed circuit cameras watching, you came in the room and you went right for the cake. Others came in kind of shy, but you came in and cut right into the cake. And you, weren't you promoted recently?
CONAN: You were promoted? I showed my trust and love for you by promoting you and this is how you repay me? How come I wasn't on the list? Didn't any of you ever think that hey Conan, his name is on the show. He's the guy that makes it happen 
DIXON: I thought you had enough things, I just thought I wanted something of my own
CONAN: I like names, who's not here who is usually here. Name names
SHARON: Uh Christian Lynch, Sarah Bruno
DIXON: Jordan comes here
CONAN: Jordan comes here a lot?
CONAN: Should we go get Jordan?
SHARON: Lets get him!
CONAN: Let's go!
CONAN: Tell me a little bit about this secret food list
JORDAN: What are you talking about?
CONAN: Theres an email list that goes out to special privileged people, that way they can know about good people before anybody else
JORDAN: Whats wrong with that?
CONAN: What?
JORDAN: Why not save for those that enjoy it the most? 
CONAN: How are you to determine who enjoys what the most?
JORDAN: I never claimed I'm the one who makes the determination
CONAN: So did you get the email today that theres ice cream cake?
JORDAN: People are just shoving food in their mouth and not appreciating what they're eating, why not save it for those that appreciate it?
CONAN: Oh my God, have you been eating Ayn Rand Novels? So you think that you're superior?People think that you think you're better than everyone else, that you appreciate food ore than other people
CONAN: So, you feel nothing? You feel no shame?
JORDAN: No I don't feel any shame, why would I feel any shame?
CONAN: Had you seen that email, would you have gone in and eaten that ice cream cake?
JORDAN: If there was an occasion to celebrate out of respect of the other person, I don't particularly want ice cream cake right now
CONAN: How about some extra virgin oil from Napa, why do you have this on your desk?
JORDAN: I like to put things on my desk that I enjoy
CONAN: Really? Thats funny, I don't see any gay porn
CONAN: I am told that more people have shown up in the conference room. Let's go
ANDY: Hi, um
CONAN: What the hell? How long have you been on this secret email list? 
ANDY: Since the beginning
CONAN: And you never once thought hey Conan's not here?
ANDY: I don't think about you, except when I'm on camera
CONAN: What? 
>> This is the foodies list, you don't eat 
CONAN: What? What are you talking about? 
Andy: It's not really the foodies list, its the fatties list
CONAN: It is not, I caught Sharon Hardy, she is skinny as a rail
ANDY: How'd you get that frosting on your shirt?
CONAN: You know how I got this, when I caught Sharon Hardy she started trying to explain herself and she spit frosting onto me 
She really did!
ANDY: There, this is what its all about isn't it? 
ANDY: See? 
CONAN: So anyway, I guess this pretty much wraps up this episode of lets catch people eating cake. What a waste of everyones time
(Applause and laughter)