CONAN: Well I'm sorry to say there is bit of a controversy brewing here at the CONAN show. Brewing is actually an app term to use because it involves an espresso machine and one Mr. Jordan Schlansky. Im investigating this crime now, starting off with Mr. John Crotteau. How are you John?
JOHN: Doing good
CONAN: Tell us about the espresso machine
JOHN: People are saying that there is an expensive new machine and that Jordan only lets a few people have access to it
CONAN: Now Jordan loves Italy and has in fact made people believe that maybe he is Italian, even though his last name is Schlansky
CONAN: Do you know what Jordan does on the show?
SARAH: Um, not really
CONAN: Are you worried at all for Jordan telling me this?
SARAH: He's so like dead, I don't think
SARAH: I don't mean dead
CONAN: (laughter) He's dead?
SARAH: Look at him, nothing phases him
CONAN: Okay I am headed back to Jordan Schlansky's office to confront him about his espresso machine. Uh his office is not accessible like everyone else's its hidden away, that was Jordan's choice, let's find out why. Got to go through this door then got to go through here then you got to go through here
CONAN: Conan O'Brien here. First of all, your office is a mess
CONAN: This is disgusting, have you been on Hoarders yet?
You have an espresso machine here
JORDAN: There is an espresso machine here
CONAN: What's the difference in how the way I said it
JORDAN: I don't have it
CONAN: Excuse me?
JORDAN: I don't have it, its here, doesn't mean I have it
CONAN: I dont understand
JORDAN: I use it, I don't have it, have it implies I own it and I don't own it
CONAN: Oh you don't own it?
JORDAN: No I don't own it?
CONAN: Who purchased the machine?
JORDAN: You actually own it. You've purchased everything in this office
CONAN: I did?
CONAN: Did I buy you this Italian, almond biscotti?
JORDAN: No that was free
CONAN: This is a free biscotti?
JORDAN: Yes, biscotto
CONAN: Excuse me?
JORDAN: Its a biscotto
JORDAN: That would be if there was more than one, theres only one
CONAN: Would you take me out and show me the espresso machine please?
This is Lavazza Blue LB 2312 Espresso machine, the machine retail sells between $500 and $700.
CONAN: Thats an expensive machine
JORDAN: I suppose thats relative, theres espresso machines that cost $5000
CONAN: Why didn't you go for one of those?
JORDAN: I didn't want to spend your money needlessly
CONAN: Do you feel like you were forthcoming about the location of the machine and that everyones welcome to use it
JORDAN: I want you to understand its not my responsibility to be forthcoming and make announcements many times. I suggested this machine be purchased. Im not its caretaker, or its rangler ---
CONAN: Do you find its interesting that the machine is located one two three four five six seven. 7 feet actually a little more because Ive got big feet and ladies do the math
CONAN: Im noticing right now that the instructions for the machine are written in Italian. Do you think thats off-putting for people that want to use the machine who cannot read in Italian or speak Italian?
JORDAN: You're making the assumption that I chose the display language. Furthermore, Italian is a beautiful language and I don't see the problem with having Italian instructions for the machine
CONAN: So you made a decision for the group
JORDAN: Yes I did
CONAN: The way Mussolinni made a lot of decisions
JORDAN: Ive been very welcoming of everyone to use it
CONAN: Oh very welcoming the furor was behind fewer doors in his bunker in '45. I want to make that clear, I had to walk through several doors to get here. You could not hide a coffee machine better. If Osama Bin Laden was cringing near this coffee machine, he'd be alive today because no one would have ever found him
I take it that this is the infamous sign Espresso 101. You wrote these instructions?
JORDAN: I use this as an opportunity to educate the staff who is largely American what a proper Italian Espresso should be.
CONAN: Im noticing that you talk about United States and Americans almost with contempt. Do you realize that you're from Buffalo?
You have a derisive tone through these Americans
JORDAN: I have a derisive tone to the quality of coffee in the US
CONAN: You hate American coffee
JORDAN: Ive never had a sip of American coffee
CONAN: You won't drink coffee in this country
JORDAN: I don't believe in drip brewed coffee
CONAN: Jordan, quick question what are your responsibilities on this show?
JORDAN: I have various duties my title is executive producer
CONAN: That is the greatest non answer Ive ever heard
Care to come clean? What is it that you do?
JORDAN: I have various production related tasks
CONAN: If you use the word various one more time I am having you arrested
What is your job?
JORDAN: Associate Producer
CONAN: What do you do when you come into work?
JORDAN: various day to day
CONAN: Various, various. This is my title you are one crafty fake Italian. What Im going to do is remove this machine for a period of time and Im going to replace it with this machine. This is the Windmere as far as Im aware this is not even a coffee company.
I think they made lawn mowers until they went out of business
Its dirty, its old, its got a simple on/off switch in English because God bless America you son of a bitch
and you will make your coffee. I think this is blood by the way. You will make your coffee from this machine, thats right drip coffee. You will drink it for a week. Well my investigation is complete and punishment has been laid out
This is Conan O'Brien saying this is Conan O'Brien
(Applause and Cheers)
CONAN: Jordan Schlansky and his new coffee machine ladies and gentlemen
(Cheers and applause)