CONAN Monologue 03/08/17

March 09, 2017

Conan jokes about International Women’s Day, smart tattoos, and the fart forecast.

TranscriptCONAN: IT IS INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY. [CHEERS] [APPLAUSE] VERY COOL. TODAY FOR INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY, WOMEN ACROSS THE COUNTRY PROTESTED BY REFUSING TO WORK. THAT'S A TRUE STORY. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TODAY. SUPPOSED TO, YEAH. IN FACT, EARLIER TODAY SIRI TOLD ME LOOK IT UP YOURSELF, ASSHOLE. ANDY: WHAT? [APPLAUSE] CONAN: AND THEN SLAPPED ME. ANDY: WOW. CONAN: THIS IS A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE DOING THEIR PART FOR INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY. IN HONOR OF INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY, SNAP CHAT ADDED FAMOUS WOMEN TO THEIR SELFIE LENSES. YEAH. YEAH. SNAP CHAT CALLED IT THE PERFECT WAY TO HOPOR THE ENDURING CONTRIBUTIONS OF WOMEN FOR 10 SECONDS. [LAUGHTER] AND IT'S GONE. IT'S GONE. [APPLAUSE] I'M SWIPING. SPEAKING OF WOMEN, ACCORDING TO A RECENT POLL, FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP'S APPROVAL RATING HAS INCREASED TO 52% SINCE PRESIDENT TRUMP'S INAUGURATION. IT'S GONE UP. YEAH. AND HER FEEL SORRY FOR HER RATING IS OVER 90%. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] ANDY: WOW. CONAN: "IT'S TIME FOR BED!" [LAUGHTER] SPEAKING OF HIM, AT THE WHITE HOUSE YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP POPPED OUT FROM BEHIND A SCREEN AND SURPRISED A GROUP OF CHILDREN. POPPED OUT. YEAH. IT WAS OFFICIALLY THE LEAST FRIGHTENING THING TRUMP HAS DONE SINCE HE TOOK OFFICE. [LAUGHTER] JUST JUMPED OUT. KIDS WERE WALKING -- [APPLAUSE] "YOU'RE FIRED!" THOSE KIDS ARE PROBABLY TRAUMATIZED. YOU DON'T WANT HIM JUMPING OUT. ANDY: NO, NOT AT ALL. CONAN: SCARY. WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON? A NEW STUDY REVEALS AMERICANS ARE GETTING FATTER AND GIVING UP ON THEIR DIETS. YEAH. THE STUDY WAS CONDUCTED BY GOING TO A WATER PARK FOR FIVE MINUTES. JUST CHECKING IT OUT. PEOPLE -- [LAUGHTER] FLOATING. SPEAKING OF HEALTH -- ANDY: YEAH. CONAN: RESEARCHERS HAVE DEVELOPED A NEW SMART TATTOO THAT CAN MONITOR YOUR HEALTH. YEAH. THERE'S ALSO A SMART TRAMP STAMP THAT WILL TELL YOU YOU HAVE CHLAMYDIA. OF COURSE. [LAUGHTER] THANKS, TRAMP STAMP. ANDY: THANK YOU, TRAMP STAMP. CONAN: "NO PROBLEM!" TRUE STORY. YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN THIS BECAUSE IT'S GOING VIRAL. IN MISSISSIPPI, A CHILD, A LITTLE KID, DISRUPTED A NEWS STATION'S LIVE WEATHER REPORT AND THE KID FORECASTED FARTS EVERYWHERE. [LAUGHTER] TRUE STORY. ANDY: YEAH. CONAN: SO CONGRATULATIONS TO TRUMP'S NEW HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE. THIS KID'S ON HIS WAY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] APPARENTLY HAD A KNACK.