1. Conan Visits E3 To Check Out Playstation 4 & XBox One

Conan Visits E3 To Check Out Playstation 4 & XBox One

Conan weighs in on the great console debate of 2013. Just be aware, he is VERY wishy-washy.

  • Related: "Conan Chats With Mario Creator Shigeru Miyamoto"
  • Transcript:

    CONAN: I'm in downtown Los Angeles at e-3, the statement expo.
    They're unveiling the future of video games, a struggling industry.
    Apparently kids these days are more interested in reading and walking in the woods than in playing video games.
    But this is something they don't tell you.
    I think it's going to be all guys.
    There's gorgeous women everywhere.
    It's blowing my mind.
    I'm very much in love with you.
    This is the Sarah Palin of the future.
    So sexy, look at those boots.
    Those boots were designed by Wayne LaPierre, the head of the E.R.A.
    There's an exciting showdown.
    Both XBox and play stakse are unveiling brand-new consoles.
    The big question in the gaming industry is, which is the better console and what does a naked woman look like?
    Here representing Playstation is aram.
    I keep getting that wrong.
    I'm Conan.
    How do you play the game if it's encased in a cube of lucite?
    Tell me, what are we looking at here?
    How many rems, how about gigs, what portals can be accessed?
    >> The system is very easy to develop on, x 86 architect.
    The eight gigabytes is the fastest memory on the market and it's a unified pool of memory.
    Our gamemakers can use it in any --
    >> This just looks like a strange dream that I had after a lot of Mexican food and some anesthesia, I think.
    Oh, we have not met.
    What is your name, sir?
    >> Ricky.
    >> What do you do?
    >> I'm one of the people that made this game.
    >> You made this game.
    How high do you need to be to play the game?
    Do you mind if I try?
    Tellly what to do.
    >> You have to find the seeds and they hatch.
    >> Do you have a diagnosis?
    Have you been diagnosed?
    CONAN: I will tell you this.
    I've been on this planet a while and never been this contented.
    I spent six weeks with the Dalai Lama and I didn't feel this good.
    In the short time I've been here I'm convinced that the new ps-4 Playstation console is the greatest console in the history of gaming, and there's none other.
    >> Your endorsements would mean it's priceless.
    CONAN: It's not priceless.
    I'm looking for $600,000 in a briefcase.
    Sell me on this XBox.
    I don't know what to do.
    Playstation 4, XBox one.
    >> We have the kinnect sensor.
    You can see your heartbeat.
    You can see where the blood is going in your body.
    >> I'll tell you where the blood is going in my body.
    >> Also in the triggers itself, there's a thing called feedback.
    It will be gentler when you're shooting --
    CONAN: Somebody's talking to you.
    Listen, I tend to blow at the wind, but you're the last person I talked to and I now believe XBox is the best.
    >> I appreciate it.
    XBox one?
    CONAN: I think it's the best system only because I talked to you second.
    OK.
    This is P.J. and P.J. the game that you're going to demonstrate for me is called --
    >> "rise son of Rome."
    CONAN: How long have you been working on this game?
    >> About two years.
    CONAN: You misspelled "rise."
    Now we're heading to the harbor.
    The barbarians have taken over the harbor.
    Do you know what the greatest danger he's facing here?
    Sitting water.
    Probably a lot of bacteria.
    No!
    He just took that sword to the back of his neck.
    What's with you people when you design these things?
    >> We try to keep it real.
    CONAN: Keep it real?
    Oh, yeah, that happened in your childhood?
    This is Josh bridge.
    That's not necessary.
    The executive producer of the XBox one game "dead rising 3."
    I'm guessing it's a zombie game.
    >> Absolutely.
    Filled with them.
    >> How long have you been working on this game?
    >> A number of years.
    It's a labor of love.
    I go in in and massage the zombies, every nook and cranny.
    CONAN: Are you a creep?
    What is he carrying there?
    >> A welding torch.
    CONAN: I thought that was for smores.
    What's he trying to do?
    >> Find a way out of this area.
    CONAN: Oh, oh, oh!
    Oh!
    Either that's blood or they all had a lot of gas patcho an hour ago.
    >> They have to get some food in them.
    CONAN: Yeah, that hot dog is probably fresh.
    It's only been there nine months.
    You know what would be a funny on this game?
    If each zombie had a lawyer, you know what I mean?
    Every time you killed a zombie you had to go through tons of paperwork.
    OK, I'll just have -- I just had two solid hours of killing Gore and death.
    We're here at Nintendo.
    A small Italian world in a magical world, no one died.
    Oh, I'm really steering.
    And I'm that little dinosaur, a baby dinosaur.
    Oh, I beat you!
    I won a video game.
    I won a video game!
    [Cheers and applause]
    I've got to win, I've got to win.
    I've never wanted anything more than I want this right now.
    I won twice in a row!
    [Cheers and applause]
    Is it XBox one, Playstation 4?
    It is this Mario card game.
    It's the one game I can play, the one game I can win!
    >> I have a special surprise for you.
    I have the voice of Mario right behind me.
    CONAN: It's the voice of mario.
    >> It's me, Mario.
    CONAN: Oh, my God.
    >> Hello.
    CONAN: So tragic.
    Is this the real voice?
    >> Yes.
    CONAN: How long have you been doing the voice?
    >> 23 years.
    CONAN: Are you married?
    >> No, I'm single.
    I'm just trying to rescue the princess, so I can finally marry her once and for all.
    CONAN: So when you're dating at some points the voice is a draw, and then you hit a point where the voice is -- you've got on knock it off.
    >> You make my heart baddabing, baddaboom.
    CONAN: And she says stop it, you're killing our relationship.
    You've got to stop.
    It's a sickness.
    You realize you're ill.
    That's another recurring dream I have.
    There's a Geisha.
    What are -- I don't care.
    I don't care what their characters are.
    I swear to God I forget why I came here in the first place.
    Something about video games or something, e-3, hot girls.
    Come here for the girls.
    Yeah.
    [Applause]