1. Animal Expert David Mizejewski: Lemur & Ostrich 01/08/14

Animal Expert David Mizejewski: Lemur & Ostrich 01/08/14

The lemur looks heavily caffeinated, and the ostrich reminds Conan of his brother gorging at Christmas dinner.

Transcript:

DAVID: THIS IS A BLACK AND WHITE LEMUR. HE LIKES TO GO UP TALL THINGS AND YOU ARE MUCH BIGGER THAN I AM SO LET'S DO THIS. YOU CAN LET HIM CRAWL UP.
CONAN: WHOA. HE'S PUTTING HIS BUTT IN MY FACE.
DAVID: HEY, BUDDY, COME ON.
CONAN: I FEEL LIKE THE LAMEST SUPER HERO WITH CONTROL OF HIS LEMUR. LEMUR, FLEE!
DAVID: YOU ARE SIMULATING WHERE THEY LIVE. THEY LIVE IN THE TREES. THEY ARE PRIMATES AND ARE KIND OF RELATED TO MONKEYS. THEY ARE SUPER ENDANGERED. CONAN: DO YOU WANT ME TO LOWER MYSELF?
DAVID: LOWER YOUR ARMS AROUND SEE WHAT HE DOES.
ANDY: EVERY SHOW YOU LOWER YOURSELF. CONAN: I WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT. SHOULD I LOWER MYSELF?
DAVID: HE LIKES TO HAVE HIS ARMPIT SCRATCHED.
CONAN: YOU SAY THESE THINGS THAT END UP NOT BEING TRUE. THEY LOVE IN WHEN YOU LOVE HIS BELLY.
CONAN: THEY LOVE IN WHEN THEIR AIR WAY IS RESTRICTED. RUB THERE?
DAVID: YES, THAT CALMS HIM DOWN.
CONAN: LOOK IN THE EYES OF A VERY CALM ANIMAL. SEE HOW CALM IT IS?
DAVID: THIS ANIMAL IS TALLER THAN YOU. I'M ASSUMING YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS, RIGHT?
CONAN: THAT IS AN OSTRICH. I HEARD THEY ARE -- 
DAVID: DO YOU WANT TO HOLD IT?
CONAN: ARE THEY DANGEROUS?
DAVID: THIS ANIMAL COULD KICK YOU AND KILL YOU. GO AHEAD. PUT YOUR ARM OUT.
CONAN: JUST LIKE THAT? WHY WOULD IT KICK ME AND KILL ME?
DAVID: THIS ANIMAL WAS THREATENED OUT IN AFRICA.
CONAN: IN A STRANGE ENVIRONMENT?
DAVID: IF HE THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO ATTACK IT THEY CAN USE THE HUGE LEGS WITH A HUGE MUSCLES AND SHARP CLAUSE ON THE END AND -- SHARP CLAWS AND KILL A LION. IT IS NOT GENTLE THE WAY IT EATS OUT OF YOUR HAND. DAVID: NO, IT IS NOT. IT IS A LITTLE BIGGER THAN A CHICKEN OR A DOVE AT A PETTING ZOO.
CONAN: WHAT IS THIS OSTRICH'S NAME?
DAVID: IT DOESN'T HAVE A NAME.
CONAN: COME HERE, CONAN.
DAVID: WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PETS.
CONAN: EVERYTHING BECOMES -- RIGHT HERE?
DAVID: THAT IS THE IDEA -- IS 
CONAN: MY BROTHER AT THE CHRISTMAS TABLE.
DAVID: THEY ARE WILD ANIMALS.
CONAN: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU CAN'T NAME A WILD ANIMAL?
DAVID: YOU CAN BUT WE WANT TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO NAME THEIR PETS, DOGS, CATS. PEOPLE WON'T HAVE AN OSTRICH.
CONAN: LOOK AT HIM LIKE WHATEVER. DON'T LOOK AT ME.
DAVID: LOWER THAT A LITTLE BIT.
CONAN: VERY POWERFUL ANIMAL. DO THEY REALLY STICK THEIR HEADS IN THE GROUND TO SOLVE PROBLEMS IN THE FUTURE?
DAVID: THEY LAY DOWN ON THE GROUND AND WILL PUT THEIR HEADS FLAT ON THE GROUND AND LOOK LIKE BUSHES. THE FEMALES ARE BROWN AND LOOK LIKE DEATH AND DYING BUSHES YOU SEE. THE ANIMALS ARE LESS CAMOUFLAGED. IT WILL GO ALL THE WAY DOWN INTO SORT --
CONAN: EVERY NOW AND THEN HE STOPS AND LOOKS ME IN THE EYES AND HE IS LIKE -- OH, GOD. IT IS UNNERVING AND IT IS LIKE, I REMEMBER YOU.