1. Erin Foley Stand-Up 10/03/13

Erin Foley Stand-Up 10/03/13

Erin Foley went gluten-free and she discovered that gluten is the main ingredient in everything delicious.

Transcript:

[Applause]
Erin Foley: Super fun to be back here.
I love living in California.
You just feel healthier when you live in the state of California.
The problem is the people of Los Angeles take the healthy living to extremes with the cleanses and the juices and the wheatgrass and the colonics and those people don't stop talking about it.
Non-stop.
Hey, Rebecca, how are you?
Good, good, really good, really good.
For the last 12 days I've just had apples, just apples and all the maple syrup I want and I feel clear, I feel spiritually and physically clear.
Sounds awful.
Yeah.
You hear miracle stories.
Well, I was just down for count, 18, 24 months on the couch and I couldn't get off the couch and I thought, this is it, this is it.
I'm going to take my last breath on this couch.
And then I bought a blender, and now I'm back.
I am back.
Good, good to know, good to know.
That's how I'm going to start answering all my questions.
Erin, how are you?
So good, yeah.
I got so much energy.
Oh my God, I feel like I could flip over a car.
I'm in the middle of a 45-day meat juice cleanse and let me tell you this -- the key is to get the entire animal in the blender, that's the key.
The whole chicken.
Get it in there.
The lamb, the wool, the bonnet, shove it in there.
The skull of the cow, whatever it takes, because the vitamins -- the vitamins are in the bones, people.
I have so much energy.
Alarm clock?
Who needs an alarm clock?
I get up three or four hours before the alarm clock goes off because I'm so excited.
I have a frozen alpaca I have to liquefy.
[Laughter]
I had to change my entire diet around.
Six weeks ago after $600 in blood tests, turns out I am gluten intolerant.
I thought this was a trend, a fad.
No, it exists, yes.
For those of you who are not familiar with gluten, that is the ingredient they put in food to make it delicious.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's in everything.
There's a list of foods I cannot have.
Beer, bread.
Those are the two reasons I get out of bed in the morning.
[Laughter]
Crackers, cookies, chips, croissants, pizza, pancakes, Pasta, happiness, joy, kittens.
[Applause]
Cannot have.
For a list of foods I can have.
Arrowroot, Buckwheat, rice, garfaza, flax, millet, Quinoa, bark, steel wool.
[Laughter]
Yeah.
There's a magazine they give you when you leave the doctor's office to help you transition into a gluten-free lifestyle.
The magazine is called "living without."
It's a thin magazine.
It comes with a razor blade.
The worst news ever.
Now that I've been talking onstage for about six, eight weeks now, inevitably someone comes up to me after a show and They tell me about their gluten-free lifestyle.
Don't.
I'd rather take a pencil and stab my eye out than hear about your gluten-free lifestyle.
This woman came up to me after a show.
She gets real low.
I don't know why.
[Laughter]
Pasty white skin, frail, big eyes, and she's like, I just Want to tell you this.
I've been gluten-free since 1986.
You've got to be careful.
They don't label anything correctly.
it's in the sauces, it's in the salad dressing, it's in the sausage.
I'm like, is it behind me?
What's happening?
Keep it moving.
Crazy man.
You're creeping me out.
Here's the only thing in this entire process that has made me laugh.
On a list of foods I should not have because they contain gluten, communion wafers.
Communion wafers.
Let me break it down.
I'm Catholic, Conan is Catholic.
My mom is a Catholic schoolteacher.
I have been trying to get out of mass my entire life.
And now I can feel like I'm allergic.
I'm allergic to the body of Christ.
[Applause]
What can you do?
I can sit this one out, you know what I'm saying?
Catholic mass is so stressful, it makes me so nervous.
Just one time I want to walk down the aisle and the priest will be body of Christ, amen.
Quick question -- does this have gluten in it?
Or when it transformed into the body of Christ, does he take the gluten out?
I have some stomach issues, which is technically his fault, so --
[Applause]
Thank you guys so much.
Happy birthday, dad!