1. Ian Edwards Stand-Up 03/06/13

Ian Edwards Stand-Up 03/06/13

Ian Edwards recently went to Israel. He loved it, but hated getting in arguments with Jews trying to out-slavery him.

Transcript:

Please welcome the very funny Ian Edwards!
[applause]
>> How's everybody feeling?
We have the back, we got the top.
Everybody's good?
I just got back from Israel, you know what I'm saying?
I'm excited because never in my life would I believe that I'd be going to Israel, and neither could security at the airport.
Dude was mean as hell.
He wanded my plane tickets.
Anybody ever have your plane ticket wanded by the dude who printed it up and gave it to you?
I had a great time in Israel.
Beautiful country.
If you've never been you have to go.
And I like Jewish people because they name their holidays after black women.
Like Rosh Hashannah.
Come on, I know like 10 of them.
I done slept with three Hanukkahs.
Stop playing.
Let's do this.
The best part about Israel is that they have prisons and the prisons are packed and there's no black people in them.
Which is amazing!
To be in a country where they don't blame your race for the crime rate.
Like I was walking about cocky as hell.
I said yes!
And any minute now I could get robbed by one of these Jews.
And this feels good.
I like this feeling, yeah.
I could move to a part of Israel and the property value go up.
Yeah.
I'll be the one on the phone calling the cops.
Police, you better get down here.
These two Jews just came into my store and I don't feel safe!
I don't know, they all Look-A-Like.
Relax.
I got a lot of Jewish homies.
Jewish people love to out-slavery black people.
They're always like, you know, we were slaves first.
I'm like that ain't no contest I'd like to win.
Who calls shotgun on slavery?
There's no prize for this.
I got a home boy who sleep walks.
It's bananas.
He can cook his ass off in his sleep.
He can make a nine-course meal, wake up and not remember doing it.
Like what the hell is going on here?
Police, you better get down here.
The break-in chef struck again.
You heard me, man.
The break-in chef the.
There's turkey and pies all over the place.
Yes, he made macaroni and cheese.
He always makes macaroni and cheese.
Just get your Tupperware and get down here.
The craziest thing he ever did was jog 10 miles in his sleep.
Manage going to sleep to get some rest and then waking up way more tired than when you went to bed.
Now he's parade to sleep.
He's always up.
I'm like hey, you got work in the morning.
He's like forget that I'm going to stay up and get some rest.
Last time I went to sleep I woke up and I had shin splints.
I was starving.
A good thing that guy made macaroni and cheese.
Last time he jogged he woke me up to help him up.
Listen, man, I just jogged 10 miles in my sleep.
Why don't you just fall asleep and jog home?
Play lay down in the direction you were coming from.
That's my time.
My name is Ian Edwards.
CONAN: That's hilarious.
That's great.
>> Thanks.
CONAN: Ian Edwards, everybody.