I recently married.
[Cheers and applause]
You may applaud.
Because most comics die alone.
We sink softly into a cracked mirror.
And so I am a beacon of hope.
And it's exciting.
I've been doing comedy forever. Forever.
Right before they were burned as witch.
I opened for Hester prin.
I married a man, huh?
I like to tell people because you know who thinks I'm gay?
I met my husband doing online dating.
I love online dating because it's a flipping drop down option.
I'm a woman looking for a date.
You look at each other for the first time.
And one of you goes -- no, no, I have to.
And you do it again and again and again and again.
Until you meet someone who isn't horrified by your initial appearance.
It's really that romantic.
And my husband makes video games for a living.
I was like how did you get that job?
I fought my way through several levels and I killed the boss.
And I recommend -- I tell people go out with a guy who plays video games.
Go without a guy that reads comic books.
Marry that guy because that guy's home right now.
He's in a curio shelf.
It keeps him off the pipe.
It keeps him off the poll.
He has board games, video games.
Dress up like an elf.
Go away from the weekend.
More than once when we were organizing our wedding he referred to our outfits as costumes.
He wanted us to dress as pirates and take over another wedding.
I am not saying that that would not have been fun.
I am saying I'm not organizing two weddings, crazy man.
He said why would we have to organize the second one?
And then he wanted us to get matching tattoos.
I'm not tattoo people.
Instead of tattoos why don't we do what old people do from Wisconsin do, which is collect spoons.
And he said, oh, my God, let's get tattoos of those spoons.
Everywhere that we travel we'll get a different spoon tattoo for the rest of our lives.
And I'm like wow, I would rather get a plate in my head and collect magnets.
We live here in Los Angeles.
I'm going to make an announcement. I love animals.
People are animals.
I love people.
When I was a kid in Wisconsin, if you had an old dog or a very sick cat you would sadly, very sadly put the dog down, put the cat to sleep.
And that dog or cat would go to cat or dog heaven.
And that isn't happening in crazy Los Angeles land.
Where people go, oh, no, the cat's only 17.
We're going to get dialysis.
In addition to the plethora of the problem that this cat has, my friend has to shoot it up twice a day, he's got diabetes.
It's time for a new cat.
Why do you get a cat?
You don't have to do anything.
That's why you get a cat.
Because it poops in a box and you can go to work.
$3,000 for diabetic cat medicine.
You know what that is?
3,000 new cats.
Cats are free.
And people get mad at me and they go you don't like animals.
And I'm like no, I don't like you.
You get 15, 20 years.
That's all you get.
I didn't make that rule.
If you would like more than that, please do not get a cat or a dog.
Turtle, turtle, turtle.
Carry it around your Paris hilto purse.
A tiny tur toys that can walk around your backyard for 300 years and become a burden on your descendants.
Where I go to eat breakfast, there's an animal eye care clinic.
I don't have insurance.
Let's get mitttens some contacts.
Better now or now?
Better now or now.
That cat is adorable.
Thanks a lot, you guys.