1. Jay Larson Stand-Up 05/06/13

Jay Larson Stand-Up 05/06/13

Jay will answer unknown phone numbers. Because he likes to live DANGEROUSLY.

Transcript:

Please welcome back to the show the very funny Jay Larson!
[cheers and applause]
JAY LARSON: 
I have a question.
Your cell phone rings and you don't recognize the number, what do you do?
Ignore it.
Don't answer it.
Not me.
I like life.
[laughter]
the other day my cell phone rang 917.
That's a New York number.
I didn't know who it was.
I picked it up anyway.
I hit talk and said hello.
The guy on the line goes hey, Bruce, what's going on?
My name's Jay, not Bruce.
So I said, nothing much, man, what's going on with you?
And he said, I'll tell you what's going on, I just got an email about the budget.
It's supposed to be $15,000 and now $10,000 and I would like to know what's up?
I got excited in my chest.
[laughter]
I grabbed the steering wheel, OK, focus.
Your name is Bruce.
There's a budget.
It was $15,000 and now it's $10,000.
No one's happy about it.
That's all we know.
That's all we know.
So I just repeated back to him what he said to me and I go $10,000 it's supposed to be $15,000.
He goes yeah, I know, I got an email and now it's $10,000.
I go, listen, man, I don't know what to tell you.
I've been on the road every day and I haven't even seen it.
He said you send this out?
Some attitude to Bruce.
And I didn't like it.
[laughter]
I said listen, man, the budget was $15,000.
We had a couple of extra expenses.
It went up to $16,200.
I reworked it and got it down to $14,700 and had $300 to play and called it $15,000 and I sent it out.
And he goes, yeah, well now it's 10d,000.
Oh -- it's $10,000.
Oh, it worked.
Phase one complete.
Now I'm in the door.
I have a 401-k and I was at the cress mass party, -- at the Christmas party, OK?
[laughter]
did Larry OK this?
Listen, man, I took the budget to Larry.
Larry said it looked fine.
But I knew it was my ass on the line.
So I ran it by Jennifer just in case, just to double check.
Jennifer said it looked good.
I sent it out.
He goes yeah, well now it's $10,000.
And I realized this guy has no idea what's going on over this.
He hasn't talked to Larry.
I know he hasn't talked to Bruce and doesn't even recognize my voice.
[laughter]
and he didn't talk to Jennifer.
I just made her up.
So he goes listen, man, what are we going to do about this?
I go listen, I'm on the road right now.
I haven't even seen the email.
Why don't you give Larry a call and check in with him and see what he says and call me back.
Praying he will.
Because that return phone call was going to be amazing.
[laughter]
and he goes you know what?
Why -- you get home and check the email and you call Larry and you call me back.
And I go no, no, bro', Larry knows way more about this than I do.
Give him a call and call me back.
OK.
Hangs up the phone.
And which I explode with euphoria.
[laughter]
because a small business in New York that is crumbling to the ground over $5,000.
And nobody can find Jennifer.
They're looking.
They're looking.
I get home.
I'm so excited I take out my cell phone and I'm going to save that guy's number and give him a call in a couple of days and touch base.
Check in.
See where we're at, you know?
So I save it in my phone under "random guy."
That's what he is, a random guy.
Four or five days pass, I forget about it.
Laying on my couch watching the ballgame.
Phone rings.
And the dining room table, I get up watching the game, grab the phone, watching the game, look down, random guy.
But it's been a couple of days.
So random guy?
Who's random guy?
Who would even have random guy as their name that comes up?
And I was like random guy!
Now I'm panicked.
You know what I mean?
People's lives have been affected.
Only $5,000 but I don't know how big that company is.
But I'm addicted to it.
You know what I mean?
I started this thing and need to see it through.
So I put my ear buds in.
And a little distance.
And a little space.
And I hit talk.
Same guy goes hey, Larry, what's going on?
Yeah.
Now he's calling me Larry.
He knows something's up.
But I'm not about to back down.
I go nothing much, man, what's going on with you?
And he goes, well, I got us on conference call with janelle and Marie.
OK.
Here we go.
Here we go.
This is why we play the game, you guys.
This is why we play the game.
I go, welcome to the call, ladies.
As if to say, welcome to the show.
You know what I mean?
Here we go.
Marie takes the lead.
She goes hey, Larry, what time is it where you are?
I live in L.A., they're in New York, 5:30 so I go 8:30.
8:30.
She goes really?
What's the weather like?
Oh, weather's nice.
Weather's nice.
She goes, this doesn't sound like Larry.
And I go, oh, yeah?
Who does it sound like?
And random guy chirps from the back and "sounds like Bruce!
Sounds like Bruce!"
Like he's going to blow this case wide open.
listen, guys, this isn't Larry and it isn't Bruce.
And Marie goes, who is this?
[laughter]
I said I'm just some guy who had nothing to do better than to mess with you guys.
And Marie got pissed and she was not happy.
You understand we're trying to run a business over here?
I was like I got that from the budget and figured it was a business.
And she goes what do you think this is some kind of joke?
A little bit.
Thought it was pretty funny.
And she goes let me ask you something, and I go, no, you let me ask you something.
And she goes what?
And I go, where are we at with the budget?
[cheers and applause]
CONAN: That was great.
Spectacular.
JAY LARSON: Thank you very much.
CONAN: Jay Larson.