Conan Forces Jordan Schlansky To Clean His Filthy Office

January 10, 2014

Jordan is a borderline hoarder, leaving Conan no choice but to bring in a professional organizer.

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TranscriptCONAN: I'm sitting in my office with Julie Naylon and you're a professional organizer. JULIE: Yes. CONAN: Do you know why we have brought you here? JULIE: One of the producers here has an office that's unorganized. CONAN: His name is Jordan Schlansky and his office is disgusting. I'm also worried about liability. His office is a fire trap. We think there might be vermin in his office, not including Jordan himself. [Laughter] I'm worried maybe his debris could fall on to Jordan. JULIE: Yeah, it could collapse and fall on him -- CONAN: Leave it then. [Laughter] Just leave it. JULIE: Another thing, I'm not judgmental. CONAN: You might be judgmental after you meet Jordan. He's -- I forget what the word is. I want to be delicate here. A douche bag. [Laughter] JULIE: Does he know that we're coming? CONAN: I should make that very clear, Jordan doesn't know we're coming. Let's do it. Jordan? JORDAN: How are you? My goodness. CONAN: Two should meet. This is Julie. JULIE: Nice to meet you. CONAN: Julie is a professional organizer. JORDAN: OK. CONAN: I realize this is a surprise. You did not know we're coming. JORDAN: That's correct. CONAN: Clearly because you're eating -- what is this? JORDAN: That is some salami with some roasted cheese on top with a baguette. CONAN: That's not happening now. [Laughter] We're going to move on to cleaning your office. JORDAN: OK. [Laughter] CONAN: First impressions? JULIE: I can help him out and organize the situation a little better. CONAN: Jordan, do you mind if I eat your sand witch -- JORDAN: I would mind. CONAN: Why is that? JORDAN: Because I was going to eat it. CONAN: Right. But you realize that you work for me. So I can take your sandwich if I want to. [Laughter] Does it bother you that I came in here with a camera crew? You were all ready to eat this delicious sandwich that we put a lot of work into? And now it's going into my fat face. JORDAN: It should bother you more than me. CONAN: And yet it doesn't. [Laughter] OK, Jordan, let's talk about this. [Laughter] Why do you have a sauerkraut. JORDAN: Sauerkraut in its true form not made with vinegar is probiotic, naturally fermented product and it increases the gut flora, intestinal bacteria. The beneficial beneficial bacteria. Unfortunately modern-day food has minimized the amount of gut flora most people have, certainly with antibiotics and this replenishes that. CONAN: Be honest, do you want to hit him right now? [Laughter] [JULIE nods head no] OK. That was just me that wanted to hit him in the face. Such a messy man. He's got disinfecting wipes and dust wipes. Do you see the contrast? JULIE: Yeah, because I think he wants to be clean and organized but he just doesn't have the tools to do it. CONAN: Do you think deep down you want to be clean? JORDAN: I'm open to it. I'm a little bit indifferent. CONAN: You think you want to be dirty? JORDAN: Not in the way you're referring to. [Laughter] CONAN: Where have you done that? JORDAN: My office. CONAN: What? JORDAN: You heard me. [Laughter] CONAN: OK. Let's start, Julie, why don't you start taking charge. JORDAN: Now, that is a carbon filtered pitcher of water. Now, I want to differentiate that from reverse osmosis water that we use in the office kitchen. Reverse osmosis water is not good for coffeemaker because it has no dissolved minerals. It leeches the minerals from the inside metal of the machine therefore it's unsafe to use that water in coffee machines. Therefore this water, which is with natural T.D.S., according to the L.A. water supply, 300 or 400 parts per million solid, is much safer for coffee machine. So this water is used exclusively for the coffee machine. CONAN: So this is the water for the coffee? JORDAN: Correct. CONAN: Over there the pitcher for the regular water you drink? JORDAN: Correct. This has TDS of let's say 400 and this has probably reverse osmosis -- CONAN: You know what, I find you tedious. [Laughter] JORDAN: That was a product I bought that I ended up being very dissatisfied with. CONAN: Jordan, you know the giveaway that would be chronically no good, this guy right here. Wasn't that the giveaway for you? Look at him laughing at you, that you even bought this in the first place. [Laughter] Look, I'm sitting on the couch! JULIE: Coffee. CONAN: Empty wine box. Sign of an alcoholic. Why would you want to keep this? JORDAN: I use that to ship wine. CONAN: How about this? JORDAN: I use that to ship wine as well. CONAN: This is a place of business. This is a television show. You seem to think we're running a moderately sized Italian restaurant. [Laughter] You have cheeses, you have wines, you have salami, you have different waters. I see very little work going on here. Do you need a separate space to keep all of your restaurant supplies? [Laughter] JULIE: Is this garbage? JORDAN: No. CONAN: This is garbage. [Cheers and Applause] I'm going to leave you here. You go to work and I will come back in a little bit. JULIE: Great. [Cheers and Applause] CONAN: Wow. This is fantastic. JULIE: Thank you. CONAN: Julie, you said changing someone's space can change the individual but this could be a life-altering experience for Jordan. Jordan, do you feel changed? JORDAN: No. [Laughter] CONAN: You don't know. Isn't it possible? Julie's right here. Talk. JULIE: Impossible. CONAN: What can you be like -- look, you went to look her in the eye and then at the last second if you show that on replay, you looked down and away. [Laughter] Why don't you look people in the eye. JORDAN: I guess it's awkward to turn my body. You're pressed up against me tightly. CONAN: I'm not pressed up against you tightly, you creep. Gee, dream much! Look me in the eye. OK, don't. That was awful! Oh, my God. [Laughter] I just saw the end of the world this your eyes. I thought maybe we could celebrate with a little wine. To Jordan's new office. Congratulations. Seems to have really changed you immensely. JORDAN: Thank you both. [Cheers and Applause]