1. Conan Catches Jordan Schlansky Coming In Late

Conan Catches Jordan Schlansky Coming In Late

Conan investigates why Jordan rolls in past noon and discovers his creepy morning routines.

For more Jordan check out:
  • Conan Busts Jordan Schlansky & His Elitist Espresso Machine
  • Conan & Jordan Schlansky Talk About Love 02/15/11
  • Transcript:

    CONAN: As many of you probably know, we do not tape a show on Friday, but we still come into the office and work a full day, OK?
    Everyone is supposed to arrive by 9:30 a.m., including myself.
    Everyone on staff gets paid to work a full day on Friday.
    All right.
    Well, recently people on the staff -- and this is all true what I'm telling you.
    People on the staff started telling me that one of our producers, Jordan Schlansky, there he is -- yeah, that's really him.
    One of our producers doesn't come into the office on Fridays until early afternoon.
    And that he's been consistently doing this for a long time.
    Not only that, no one really knows what Jordan does on our show.
    All we know is he's kinds of a creepy guy with an office that's tucked away in a remote part of the building.
    He's a grown man who's still obsessed with things like Indiana Jones and "Star Wars."
    He also acts like he's from the Italian countryside, even though he grew up in New York, OK?
    Everything I told you is 100% true.
    Well, since I'm the boss, last Friday I decided to look into this claim that Jordan comes in late on Fridays.
    I had a camera crew with me.
    I think this was a very good use of my time.
    Here's what happened -- I'm sitting in the office of Jordan Schlansky, an associate producer at the show.
    It's come to my attention recently that on Fridays, for some reason he doesn't come in till very late.
    It is now 12:20.
    No Jordan.
    So I'm sitting and I'm waiting for him 'cause I want to get to the bottom of what the [bleep] Jordan does every Friday.
    He's got a Kaiser roll in a bag, olive oil, his own mini-specialized pepper grinder.
    Look at this.
    He's got a giant thing of Clorox wipes. Now, does this look like the office of someone who's afraid of germs?
    Aloe-fresh hydrating gel.
    Expresso cups.
    He's got two, in case he ever makes a friend.
    Got the death squad commander in his box and a backup.
    Why would you have two?
    He's supposed to go to a children's hospital and he's hiding them in his office.
    Oh, my God.
    I'm curious.
    Oh, of course.
    Cufflinks for his wedding day.
    Better put these back.
    I'm sure these are insured by Lloyd's of London.
    Everyone wants to get Jordan a wedding present.
    I believe he's registered at Toys 'R' Us.
    CONAN: That's your reaction?
    You just walk into your office?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: Looks like an acceptable reaction to me.
    CONAN: Jordan, do you know what time it is?
    CONAN: Actually, it's 12:50.
    It's come to my attention that you like to drift in late on Fridays.
    Well, I work later on Fridays than a lot of people and I feel like I'm able to adequately accomplish what I need to in the time that I'm here.
    I've prepared my daily task already.
    CONAN: Your daily task?
    What's your daily task?
    Pour olive oil on to a Kaiser roll?
    That's your daily task?
    May I ask you, Jordan, what you were doing this morning.
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: Well, I woke up.
    I immediately had a protein shake.
    I'm experimenting with oats and whey.
    CONAN: You're experimenting with oats and whey?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: I was trying to avoid a synthetic, which is derived from corn.
    And I had read that oats is a good source of complex carbohydrates and mixed with whey --
    CONAN: Can I ask you a quick question -- are you wearing your sunglasses when you're making your shake?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: I can remove them.
    CONAN: What do you think would be the human thing?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: I can remove them if it makes you more comfortable.
    CONAN: OK.
    You got up.
    You had your whey and oat shake.
    Then what?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: Then I prepared my body in various ways.
    Shaved it.
    CONAN: What do you mean?
    I want to make it very clear to everyone at home, this is really happening.
    This is completely real.
    This isn't scripted.
    He just said all those things.
    This is a real person.
    In case people ask me how do you find this guy that writes his stuff?
    You just said that.
    You just said I prepare my body in various ways.
    Did you say you shaved it?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: I did shave it.
    CONAN: Remove your shirt, please, if you don't mind.
    This is freshly shaved, this area?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: No, I didn't shave my chest.
    CONAN: What part of your body did you shave?
    CONAN: Oh, just your face.
    Do you shave down below, down south?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: I believe that's a private matter.
    CONAN: You just took your shirt off.
    I just asked you if you shaved your John dory.
    Do you?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: That's a private matter.
    CONAN: Do you draw the line there?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: In terms of talking about my daily grooming rituals?
    CONAN: Yes.
    CONAN: OK, you can put your shirt back on.
    Wait a minute.
    Put your sunglasses on, but leave the shirt off.
    Can I ask you why you have this instead just a regular packet of pepper?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: That's a peppermill.
    CONAN: I've never seen anything like this before.
    Why is it so small?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: It allows me to use fresh pepper on the food that I eat without taking up an inordinate amount of desk space.
    CONAN: You wouldn't want to clutter your space.
    Why do you have these?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: They were sent to me.
    CONAN: By who?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: By a woman that I know.
    CONAN: A woman sent you these?
    CONAN: The very definition of having this is proof that you don't know a woman.
    Is it your intention to hang on to these or to give them to a worthy children's charity?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: Undecided.
    CONAN: I'd like to help you be on time.
    I think that would be good for you.
    So we have devices that might help.
    Would this be helpful to you, this clock?
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: I don't see how.
    CONAN: You could have this at home and it would tell you what time it is, and then you would know, I should probably get to work.
    JORDAN SCHLANSKY: The time is not responsible for the hour I arrive in the office.
    CONAN: I'd like you to hang this one in the office and I'd like you to strap this one to your vest pa, like the Italian douche bag Flava Flav.
    I also wants you to know that you're being monitored at all times by this camera.
    I will constantly be monitoring that camera to make sure that one of my workers is a real busy bee, buzz-buzz.
    This is a good old-fashioned time card.
    You are to punch in and punch out every day.
    I've had this machine put back.
    Would you like to check in?
    Try again.
    You have to put it in the very center.
    You know how I knew it was the very center?
    CONAN: I've worked for a living.
    CONAN: He's a real human being.