CONAN: Please welcome the very funny Kurt Braunohler!
>> Thank you, thank you.
Guys, I have not been on instagram today.
Does anybody know if the sunset?
Or if anybody ate any food?
I just like to keep in touch.
I went into a store just down the street.
Recently when I walked in, the sales lady just went, it's good to see you!
I was like, I don't know how to deal with this information at all.
So I just did the only thing I thought was appropriate and I just said, it's been too long and I kissed her on the mouth.
I -- I recently just moved to L.A. so I have been driving a lot, listening to L.A. radio and I did not know that 90% of L.A. radio is just sublime.
I had no idea.
But I like it.
I found I have a favorite sublime song.
It's the song where the sublime guy goes, I can play a guitar like a mother fing riot and then just slowly plonks on an acoustic guitar.
Plinchingplong, like that is a riot.
If your definition of a riot is just one lone seagull trying to get a sandwich out from inside a baby grand piano.
Scared and confused.
I like to do stupid things to strangers because I think it helps make the world a better place.
So, guys, here's three fun things you can do today to make the world a better place.
One, next time you fart just yell -- nothing but net!
Confusing and fun to say.
Two, next time you go into a cafe to read a book right before you open your book, just look up and yell, are you all ready for this?
And then quietly open your book and start reading.
Number three, you won't see the effects of this but you will know you did an awesome thing.
Go to Facebook.
Find a stranger, go like a year back in the photos and just like one photo.
Keep them guessing for hours.
Who is this?
And why do they like this picture of me eating pizza?
Maybe because of the way I was raised, I don't mean to disturb you but I have to tell you three true facts by myself Kurt Braunohler.
Fact number one, I breast fed until I was 5 years old.
Deal with that!
Look at me and know that's true, five!
That's some "game of thrones" shit, you all!
I have a specific memory of breastfeeding and watching TV and asking my mom to change the channel because I was bored.
I didn't know it was weird until I started telling people.
But also, I'm 6'4" and I never get sick.
Fact number two, my best friend from ages 5 to 10 had turrets and I had no idea.
He moved away at age 10 and after he left, my mom was like, Mike had Tourette's.
I was like what's that?
She was like watch this video.
I was like oh, somebody should have told me.
Because I just have been mimicking him back to himself all the time.
I thought it was our fun way of chatting with each other.
I just feel like yeah, yeah.
And agree with him again and hit him.
Third fact, I started smoking when I was 10 years old.
What up, jersey?
Five years after I stopped breastfeeding, I started smoking!
And the entire time in between I was pretending like I had turrets.
That's how you make this.
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen!
CONAN: Kurt, fantastic.
That was great.
>> Awesome, thank you.
CONAN: Kurt Braunohler, ladies and gentlemen!