1. Kurt Braunohler Stand-Up 08/15/13

Kurt Braunohler Stand-Up 08/15/13

Kurt shows you the perfect way to freak out a stranger on Facebook with a single Like.

Transcript:

CONAN: Please welcome the very funny Kurt Braunohler!
[Applause]
>> Thank you, thank you.
Guys, I have not been on instagram today.
Does anybody know if the sunset?
[Laughter]
Or if anybody ate any food?
I just like to keep in touch.
I went into a store just down the street.
Recently when I walked in, the sales lady just went, it's good to see you!
I was like, I don't know how to deal with this information at all.
So I just did the only thing I thought was appropriate and I just said, it's been too long and I kissed her on the mouth.
[Laughter]
I -- I recently just moved to L.A. so I have been driving a lot, listening to L.A. radio and I did not know that 90% of L.A. radio is just sublime.
I had no idea.
But I like it.
I found I have a favorite sublime song.
It's the song where the sublime guy goes, I can play a guitar like a mother fing riot and then just slowly plonks on an acoustic guitar.
Plinchingplong, like that is a riot.
[Laughter]
If your definition of a riot is just one lone seagull trying to get a sandwich out from inside a baby grand piano.
[Laughter]
Plink-plonk.
Scared and confused.
I like to do stupid things to strangers because I think it helps make the world a better place.
So, guys, here's three fun things you can do today to make the world a better place.
One, next time you fart just yell -- nothing but net!
Confusing and fun to say.
[Laughter]
Two, next time you go into a cafe to read a book right before you open your book, just look up and yell, are you all ready for this?
[Laughter]
And then quietly open your book and start reading.
[Laughter]
Number three, you won't see the effects of this but you will know you did an awesome thing.
Go to Facebook.
Find a stranger, go like a year back in the photos and just like one photo.
[Laughter]
Keep them guessing for hours.
Who is this?
And why do they like this picture of me eating pizza?
[Laughter]
Maybe because of the way I was raised, I don't mean to disturb you but I have to tell you three true facts by myself Kurt Braunohler.
Fact number one, I breast fed until I was 5 years old.
5!
Deal with that!
Look at me and know that's true, five!
That's some "game of thrones" shit, you all!
5!
I have a specific memory of breastfeeding and watching TV and asking my mom to change the channel because I was bored.
[Laughter]
5.
I didn't know it was weird until I started telling people.
But also, I'm 6'4" and I never get sick.
[Laughter]
Fact number two, my best friend from ages 5 to 10 had turrets and I had no idea.
He moved away at age 10 and after he left, my mom was like, Mike had Tourette's.
I was like what's that?
She was like watch this video.
I was like oh, somebody should have told me.
Because I just have been mimicking him back to himself all the time.
I thought it was our fun way of chatting with each other.
I just feel like yeah, yeah.
OK.
And agree with him again and hit him.
Third fact, I started smoking when I was 10 years old.
What up, jersey?
10!
Five years after I stopped breastfeeding, I started smoking!
And the entire time in between I was pretending like I had turrets.
That's how you make this.
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen!
[Applause]
CONAN: Kurt, fantastic.
That was great.
>> Awesome, thank you.
CONAN: Kurt Braunohler, ladies and gentlemen!