1. Mark Normand Stand-Up 02/20/13

Mark Normand Stand-Up 02/20/13

Mark Normand's friend works at a gay bar; he goes there for the drinks and the occasional compliment.

Transcript:

CONAN: Please welcome the very funny Mark Normand.
[cheers and applause]
MARK NORMAND:Hey, all right, how's everybody doing?
[cheers and applause]
All right.
I do like to drink.
I've got a bit of a problem.
I got really drunk last night.
Was incredibly hung over today.
Had another beer, hangover went away.
Isn't that the amazing thing about booze?
The thing that causes the problem is also the solution.
I wish other problems were like that.
You know, like you have sex with a girl, she gets pregnant, have sex with her again, no more baby.
Oh, man.
That would be amazing.
You know?
Then you're guaranteed to get laid at least twice.
You're talking like, whoo, last night was incredible, we should do that again.
Nah, I think I'm going to go home.
Hey, I'm just being responsible.
I go to a lot of bars.
My friend actually works at a gay bar so I'll go there from time to time.
Get a free drink.
Maybe a compliment.
And my guy friends are blown away by this.
They're like, dude, you go to gay bars?
That is weird.
If some gay guy ever hit on me, I don't know what I would do.
How but you just not have sex with them?
It's pretty easy.
Are there any gay people here tonight?
All right, all right.
A couple people.
OK.
Thanks for saying -- I always imagine when I ask that there's one guy in the back going, should this be the time I come out?
Sometimes I wish I was gay.
Seems pretty good.
Easy to hook up, couple mimosas, fix up a neighborhood, it's fast fantastic.
But you know, I do like the ladies.
Big fan of the galS.
Which is weird because when I was a kid I hated girls.
When I was 6 years old I thought girls were gross and dumb.
You're allowed to hate girls as a kid.
it's really the only group a kid's allowed to hate.
Because if I was a 6-year-old that hated port Ricans -- Puerto Ricans, that would be weird.
If I was like, hey, mom, I hate Puerto Ricans, she would never say, oh, you'll like them one day.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
Hey, all right.
All right.
Hey, any Puerto Ricans here?
All right, too many.
Just kidding.
Just kidding.
I love Puerto Ricans.
Good people, good people.
Very passionate people.
A lot of knives but passionate.
Very passionate.
Hey, I'm just telling jokes.
I'm a comedian.
I live in New York city.
If I was racist, I would be exhausted.
So I'll take it easy.
Huh?
You guys are a great crowd.
Some people get so offended by these jokes.
The gay joke, the Puerto Rican joke.
I got yelled at by a guy recently on the show.
This guy comes up and goes, hey, buddy, I'm gay and Puerto Rican, all right?
I don't appreciate those jokes.
You know how hard my life is?
I was like, whoa, take it easy.
How hard your life is?
Dude, you have the most parades.
[Laughter]
All right.
[Applause]
All right.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know.
Race is always such a touchy issue.
We're all so uncomfortable with race.
Especially white people.
We're afraid of looking racist.
Like I was talking to one guy on my last day job and I was like, hey, man, what's the name of that new guy on the fifth floor, the really tall black guy and this guy goes, whoa.
I don't see color.
I was like, really?
Did you really just say that?
Did that really just come out of your face?
So I looked this guy right in the eye and I was like, hey, man, it's cool.
I'm black.
[Laughter]
And he was like, no, you're not.
And I'm like, ah-ha!
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you may not be racist but you are a liar.
Oh, boy.
I'll tell you.
I was the victim of racism recently.
I should tell you, I love Jewish women.
That's my number one.
Love the Jewish -- any Jewish gals here?
All right, hey, shalom.
Love Jewish women.
I was actually lucky enough to date a Jewish girl for a while.
We talked about getting married and her dad made us break up because I'm not Jewish.
And I was like, come on, really, seriously?
I live in New York, I have Curley hair.
I'm sir come sized.
I'm a comedian.
I'm like, right there.
But still, still he was like, no, no.
My daughter will only marry a Jew.
I want my people to live on.
I want my culture to live on.
Jews are all about living on.
That's when I thought, man, Jews must be really jealous of gay people because gay people can't even reproduce.
Yet they keep popping up.
That's amazing.
That's incredible.
No other group can do that.
It's like a superpower.
You know?
Like, Jews are sitting around like, you got to marry a Jew and gays are like, we'll be fine.
Thanks a lot.
I'm mark normand.
Dream come true.
Conan: mark.
That was fantastic.
Mike normand.
[cheers and applause]
Hilarious.