1. Myq Kaplan Stand-Up 06/03/13

Myq Kaplan Stand-Up 06/03/13

Myq wonders what a Buddhist extremist would be like -- probably just a guy who takes more naps.

Transcript:

MYQ KAPLAN: In conclusion, a joke about time travel.
But first, the rest of everything I'm going to say.
Buddhism, big fan.
Big fan of Buddhism.
Ordered a book on it.
It hasn't arrived yet, so I presume it's been within me all this time.
First chapter is probably like Get rid of all your possessions.
Don't even have all the books.
Buddhists, a thing they rarely hear.
I like Buddhists because I've never heard of them murdering anybody throughout history.
There's no historical Buddhist inquisition or Buddhist crusades.
I've never heard of a Buddhist extremist.
What would that be, just a guy taking a longer nap, I imagine?
Look out, suspicious.
I'm not a Buddhist, I think.
I don't know, could be.
But I was raised Jewish.
Not that Jewish.
I'm this Jewish.
I would run from Hitler, but that's about it.
Especially today.
I would definitely run from Hitler today because he would be a zombie today.
You should all run from zombie Hitler, Jew or not Jew.
You should run from zombie Gandhi, for that matter.
Run more from zombie Gandhi, because he fasted during life.
He's probably hungrier in death.
Look out the most for zombie Gandhi, also the name of my new hipster band that does not exist.
That's how cool I am.
So the thing about time travel is if it exists in the future, we all know obviously Jews are going to use it to go back and try to kill Hitler before all the shenanigans began, perhaps a harsher word than shenanigans.
Hasn't happened yet.
Hitler is still in our past, I believe.
If you know otherwise, great.
But Hitler is still there, because it's not like back to the future.
That's not how time travel works.
You can't just go back and screw everything up.
Wrong about time travel.
Oh, yeah, thanks for one of those --
you agree with something I said.
Thank you.
Back to the future -- at the end of "back to the future 1"
which they didn't call it, they called it "the great back to the future."
At the end of that movie, spoiler alert, it came out in 1985.
You had a while to see it.
He flies up in the time machine car and he says get in quick, we've got to get back to the future, your kids are in trouble, hurry.
I thought why do you have to hurry?
You have a time machine.
You invented it.
They're like, you got to be late.
We'll just set it for earlier then.
That's literally how it works.
You're a doctor I hear.
They made three of those movies.
They made one "groundhog day,"
sort of a travesty.
Love "groundhog day."
I have a friend George in New York.
He thought he saw bill Murray on the streets of New York.
He's like, bill Murray.
So that guy he yelled at looked back and said, "nope."
And my friend George went home all sad.
He said I thought it was bill Murray.
Next day he turns on the TV.
Sees a talk show.
Bill Murray is the guest.
It was that guy.
It was exactly that guy.
He's like, man.
So bill Murray is such a great actor he was able to convince my grend George that he was not bill Murray.
Unbelievable bill Murray.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you guys for clapping for how great an actor I said bill Murray was.
What a great story.
What a story about bill Murray I just told you, and about my friends George.
Why did they make it about George?
It could have been about me.
I'm not a liar, number one.
Number two, I don't want you guys thinking I'm the kind of guy who yells bill Murray at bill Murray, because I don't do that.
I dwonet that.
I wouldn't do that.
If I saw bill Murray on the street I would yell like Phil, Phil Connors, and then I'd run around the block and yell it again, run around the block and yell it gain and again and again.
Have somebody film it and call it "groundhog day" 2, get another one of those up on the board.
That's not how time travel works.
Here's how it works.
I think you can go back in time but you can't change anything.
Physically you cannot.
If you try to shoot Hitler, your gun will jam, because you didn't shoot Hitler.
First time you were there your gun was jammed the whole time.
It's like terminator, where you can go back and can't bring Weapons or clothing through, so a bunch of Jews are turning up naked in the 1940's Germany, neither the time nor the place.
Even if all that is the case, even if Jews know that they are doomed to never be able to kill Hitler, everyone in the future, they're going to be resilient, resourceful.
Every Jew with access to a time machine is going to go back and try to complete this mission.
Hundreds, thousands, millions of Jews.
Which means that if that's the case then growing up from Hitler's perspective Jews are trying to murder him all the time.
[Laughter]
That's all that child Hitler knows is that Jews are Dicks from the future.
[Laughter]
They are constantly coming out of the woodwork throwing bombs and knives, taking off his mustache, that's probably why that happened, because he can't get out of the way.
Like a neo-Nazi, if you will.
Thank you guys so much.
My name is Myq Kaplan.