1. Patton Oswalt Took His 4 Year-Old To Bumbershoot

Patton Oswalt Took His 4 Year-Old To Bumbershoot

They had a great time in Seattle, despite his daughter being eyeballs-deep in naked hippies.

Transcript:

CONAN: Patton, how are you?
Patton: Conan, I'm good, really good.
CONAN: We are just talking about kids.
Patton: Yes.
CONAN: How is your daughter?
Patton: My daughter Alice, she is 4 years old.
She is great, but she's weirdly, right now she talks about death constantly in a very always upbeat sunny way.
CONAN: Really?
Patton: It's never -- here is the thing.
It's never like she says are you and mommy going to die or is the dog going to die?
The way she talks about it is anything we bring up she ties it into death.
There is a show she likes watching called "little Einstein."
They're always on adventures and their parents aren't with them.
Yeah, they're on adventures and maybe the parents were working.
She says, maybe the parents died and now the kids get to go on all of the adventures they want.
I'm like yeah, I guess.
As a parent -- here is my problem is do I either say, hey, do I make death this dark forbidden subject, or do I roll with it and make it just a funny thing we're constantly talking about?
So we're driving around, do you want to get some frozen yogurt?
She goes, yeah, we should because we're going to die and we should have it before we die.
Yeah, let's go get frozen yogurt before we -- happy fifth birthday!
You didn't die!
[Laughter]
CONAN: Yeah, you want to be probably somewhere in the middle.
Patton: It's too extreme right now.
CONAN: Do you take you with her when you work, on gigs?
Patton: If it's a cool fun city.
I was in Seattle for a music festival for four days, I'll take her to that.
Seattle is one of the most kid friendly cities on the planet.
She is at this music festival.
CONAN: I don't know about this.
Patton: Bumbershoot is the best music festival.
It is very relaxed, it's all outdoors, Labor Day weekend, beautiful weather.
The thing I forgot when I got her up there.
I went in my 20's and be drunk and on drugs the whole time, it's a safe playing to do drugs.
You can be on drugs in Seattle in the street and nothing will hurt you.
Everything is made out of Marshmallows and flannel and nothing will hurt you.
You fall, oh, that's nice.
I fell into some song lyrics, it's all right.
So she is playing in this big fountain, it admit me, oh, my God, her high right -- height right now, she is exactly at naked hippy ball sack eye level.
I'm just afraid, there are so many people on Ecstasy and mushrooms out there, if they go running by, that's the memory of her first concert which is, yeah, my dad took me to see Tiegen and Sarah and the opening act was this scrotum that smelled like pachulia.
I'm not saying the scrotum is going to sit like that.
CONAN: It's going to run by.
Patton: Yeah, it only takes a second to set a kid on the path to becoming a bus driver or a pimp.
I don't know.
So terrifying, that's all.