1. Ron Burgundy's Prison Riot Survival Tips

Ron Burgundy's Prison Riot Survival Tips

It's a simple tip that's guaranteed to work. But it may not be worth it, to be honest.

Transcript:

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
RON: I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, AND IT 
IS SO GREAT TO BE HERE.
I'VE GOT TO SAY A FEW WORDS 
ABOUT THIS GUY TO MY 
LEFT.
CONAN: CONAN.
RON: COLIN.
YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT WITH 
LET ME COME ON TO PROMOTE MY 
BOOK AND I TRIED ALL OF THEM.
DONOHUE.
MAURY POVICH.
THE MAGIC JOHNSON SHOW.
R IT IS AS IF THE PHONE WAS 
DISCONNECTED.
YOU PEOPLE ASKED ME TO COME ON.
CONAN: WE WANTED TO GET YOU 
HERE.
RON: IT WAS QUICK.
CONAN: IT IS EXCITING.
YOU HAVE A BOOK OUT AND I DON'T 
THINK I HAVE EVER SEEN THIS 
BEFORE.
YOU HAVE A TESTIMONIAL THAT YOU 
WROTE YOURSELF ON THE FRONT OF 
THE BOOK.
RON: YEAH.
CONAN: I HAVE SEEN A LOT OF 
PEOPLE PROMOTING BOOKS BUT I 
HAVE NEVER SEEN THE AUTHOR PUT 
THEIR OWN TESTIMONIAL ON THE 
FRONT OF THE BOOK.
RON: YOU KNOW THAT IS WHAT THE 
CRITICS WERE GOING TO SAY AND I 
JUST BEAT THEM TO THE PUNCH.
AND IT IS A HELL OF A BOOK.
IT IS A REAL PAGE TURNER.
IT IS 130% TRUE.
CONAN: THAT SOUNDS ALMOST 
MATHEMATICALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
RON: I LITERALLY POURED MY SOUL 
INTO IT.
I GO DEEP.
CONAN: I LOOKED THROUGH THERE 
AND THERE IS A LOT OF HELPFUL 
TIPS.
RON: THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT 
VARYING CHAPTERS.
CONAN: WHAT IS FASCINATING IS 
THERE ARE TIPS I WOULDN'T EXPECT 
TO COME FROM A NEWSMAN.
ONE IS HOW TO SURVIVE A PRISON 
RIOT.
YOU WRITE ABOUT THAT IN THIS 
BOOK.
RON: I HAVE SPENT A NUMBER OF TIMES IN 
PRISON AS A INVESTIGATIVE 
JOURNALIST MOSTLY IN SOUTH 
AMERICA.
CONAN: AND YOU HAVE HELPFUL 
TIPS.
RON: 12 TIPS TO SURVIVES A PRISON 
RIOT.
BASIC ONES LIKE MAKE HOME MADE 
WEAPONS.
A COMB WITH A LITTLE BABY TOOTH 
ON THE END OF IT.
CONAN: TERRIBLE WEAPON.
RON: I KEEP A SMALL SATCHEL OF 
BABY TEETH.
PROBABLY THE BEST IS TIP NUMBER 
EIGHT, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR OWN POOP 
IN YOUR CELL WITH YOU.
CONAN: WHAT DO YOU MEAN KEEP IT 
WITH YOU?
RON: BAGS.
COLLECT IT THROUGHOUT THE STAY 
AND HAVE IT READY.
BECAUSE IF IT GOES DOWN, I MEAN 
THERE IS NOTHING CRAZIER THAN A 
GUY STAINED IN POOP RUNNING 
AFTER YOU.
CONAN: WOW!
SO, YOU PUT IT OVER YOURSELF.
RON: IF I HAVE ANY TROUBLE I JUST 
START RUBBING IT ALL OVER AND I 
JUST COME AT PEOPLE.
NO ONE WANTS TO FIGHT YOU.
CONAN: I BELIEVE YOU RIGHT NOW.
RON: YOU ARE TASTING YOUR OWN 
LIQUID FECES.
CONAN: THAT WOULD HELP YOU IF 
YOU WERE AT A CAR DEALERSHIP AND 
DIDN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED BY 
SALESMAN.
RON: AND LOWER THE PRICE I WON'T 
LEAVE UNTIL YOU LOWER IT TWO 
GROUND.
CONAN: YOU HAVE ANOTHER WHAT IS 
WRONG WITH AMERICA AND I WAS 
SURPRISED BY ONE OF THE ANSWERS.
YOU SAID BABIES.
RON: YES.
BABIES HAVE GOTTEN UGLIER IN 
THIS COUNTRY.
CONAN: YOU THINK BABIES IN 
AMERICA HAVE GOTTEN UGLIER?
RON: I DON'T THINK T. IS A FACT.
DID ANYONE BRING A BABY DO NOT?
CONAN: THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO 
BE IN HERE.
RON: I PROVED MY POINT.
YOU DON'T WANT THOSE LITTLE UGLY 
SUCKERS STARING BACK AT YOU.
CONAN: YOU THINK ALL BABIES IN 
AMERICA ARE UGLY?
RON: IN THE 1950'S THERE WERE 
GOOD-LOOKING BABIES BUT I DON'T 
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN UGLY THAI 
BABY.
CONAN: THEY HAVE TAIWANESE -- 
RON: NO, THE PEOPLE FROM 
THAILAND.
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
THERE WAS A BABY CALENDAR OF 
BEAUTIFUL BABIES, MOST OF THE 
MONTHS WOULD BE DOMINATED BY 
THAI BABIES.
CONAN: THAT IS AN INCREDIBLE 
PREDICTION.
RON: YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF ME?
CONAN: WE HAVE I AS BABY.
YOU WERE QUITE THE CUTE BABY.
RON: TASTE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I'M A GOOD-LOOKING BABY.
CONAN: YOU WERE A FANTASTIC BABY 
WHICH BRINGS THE NEXT QUESTION, 
THE HAIR.
RON: TURNED OUT TO BE A PRETTY 
GOOD GOOD-LOOKING ADULT IF I 
DON'T MIND SAYING MYSELF.
CONAN: YOU DON'T MIND.
RON: WHICH CAMERA IS ON.
CONAN: THE RED ONE.
THERE YOU GO.
THE ONE WITH THE RED LIGHT.
RON: THIS?
NO, I KNOW THAT.
CONAN: YOU HAVE BEEN IN TV A 
LONG TIME.