1. Ron Burgundy Ranks The World's Most Intelligent Animals

Ron Burgundy Ranks The World's Most Intelligent Animals

With his Chart Of Human Positionality, the "Anchorman" star walks us through the many species which are superior to mankind.

Transcript:

CONAN: RON, WE DISCUSSED THE 
BOOK.
RON: YES.
CONAN: THERE'S ANOTHER -- 
RON: LET ME OFF AT THE TOP.
CONAN: YOU WERE THE FIRST 
CELEBRITY EVER TO APPEAR ON THE 
COVER OF "DOG FANCY MAGAZINE."
THIS IS A GREAT HONOR.
THAT IS YOUR DOG BAXTER.
RON: MY BELOVED BAXTER.
CONAN: YOU CARE A LOT ABOUT 
ANIMALS.
RON: I DO.
MY DOG -- THEY SAY MAN'S BEST 
FRIEND IS HIS DOG AND MY BEST 
FRIEND IS BAXTER.
HE'S MY ONLY FRIEND.
CONAN: YOUR DOG IS YOUR ONLY 
FRIEND?
RON: YEP.
CONAN: I'M SORRY.
RON: HE IS A GREAT PAL.
I TOLD MYSELF I WOULDN'T CRY.
SON OF A BITCH.
CONAN: I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT.
I ASKED YOU ABOUT YOUR DOG.
RON: YOU ARE A REAL [BLEEP] 
SOMETIMES, CONAN.
BUT ANY WAY, YES, I LOVE MY DOG.
CONAN: YOU LOVE YOUR DOG.
AND YOU LOVE ANIMALS.
RON: I ALWAYS HAVE.
I MENTION IN THE BOOK MY LOVE 
FOR ANIMALS.
I CREATED MY OWN CHART.
CONAN: I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT 
THAT.
YOU HAVE AN ANIMAL HIERARCHY 
CHART OF INTELLIGENCE.
RON: YES OF THE GREATEST ANIMALS 
IN THE KINGDOM.
CONAN: I WANT YOU TO WALK US 
THROUGH THIS.
RON: IT IS SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN.
CONAN: THERE IS YOUR CHART.
WALK US THROUGH IT.
WHO IS AT THE TOP.
RON: THE SOCRATIC EAGLE.
THERE IS NOTHING MORE MAJESTIC 
THAN THE BALD EAGLE.
SECOND MOST INTELLIGENT ANIMAL 
IS THE ROOSTER.
DOESN'T GET A LOT OF CREDIT.
THEN OF COURSE IT IS ALMOST 
REDUNDANT HERMIT, CRAB AND 
SALMON.
CONAN: I DON'T WHY -- 
RON: THEN THE CHEETAH.
CONAN: OK.
RON: PUMA.
SQUIRREL.
CONAN: YOU PUT MANKIND DOWN HERE 
WITH THE DOG AND CAT.
RON: THESE ARE SUPERIOR CREATURES 
UP HERE, NO DOUBT.
CONAN: THEN AT THE BOTTOM -- YOU 
HAVE THE DONKEY, PARROT AND 
LONELY SEA OTTER.
RON: THE DUMBEST ANIMAL ON THE 
PLANET EARTH.
BAXTER EVEN TOLD ME.
HE HAD CONVERSATIONS WITH THEM 
AND HE SAID THEY ARE BORING AS 
HELL.
THEY GO ON AND ON ABOUT HOW MUCH 
FISH THEY CAUGHT AND I CAN SWIM 
ON MY BACK AND CRACK OPEN A CLAM 
WITH ROCKS.
AND I'M LIKE OK I KNOW THAT.
CONAN: YOU SAY THIS IS ALL FACT.
RON: YES.
I LOVE THE BALD EAGLE.
I LEGALLY GOT AN AMERICAN BALD 
EAGLE ONCE FROM A RUSSIAN, KEPT 
IT IN MY HOUSE FOR EIGHT DAYS.
CONAN: HOW DID THAT GO?
RON: THE FIRST COUPLE OF DAYS HE 
JUST FOUGHT AND CLAWED ME AND 
SCRATCHED ME, FLEW AROUND 
CHAOTICICALLY IN THE HOUSE.
THE THIRD DAY HE HAD CALMED 
DOWN.
FOURTH DID I I WAS ABLE TO PUT 
AN UNCLE SAM HAT ON HIM AND HE 
WAS WILLING TO RIDE A CIRCUS 
TRICYCLE.
I THINK HE WAS STARTING TO LOVE 
LIVING WITH ME AND I SAID LET'S 
GO OUTSIDE AND I OPENED THE DOOR 
AND HE FLEW AWAY AND I COULDN'T 
TRACK HIM.
BUT HE WAS SO SMART.
CONAN: I LOVE THAT.