1. Rory Scovel Stand-Up 09/03/13

Rory Scovel Stand-Up 09/03/13

With a tuxedo and a Liberace-style piano, Rory has the classiest stand-up set ever.

Transcript:

Conan: we're back, ladies and gentlemen.
Our next guest is a comedian whose new album will be available October 15 and who can be seen in the upcoming "ground floor,"
please welcome the very funny Rory Scovel.
Rory Scovel: Hey, all right.
Standing ovation.
Nice.
Thank you.
Hope the cameras were able to get that.
That would be nice.
A lot of people at home probably giving a standing ovation too.
That's tough to do, very ballsy.
You give the standing ovation, your wife is in the other room, what are you doing in there?
I'm clapping for the guy on TV, Diane.
Who's tiian in that situation?
Know what I mean?
I know what you're all thinking.
Hey, is this that mind reading comic? That's Adam McFarland on the one's and two's, let him hear it he flew in from Greenville, South Carolina we both grew up there.
I'll tell you twheark pot laws here, a little bit different.
Little bit different in California.
You can just kind of smoke here, no one really know what is the laws are.
Everyone's like, I think you can to it but maybe go behind that car just to be safe.
Play it safe.
South Carolina, that's not the deal.
You think a cop is going to pull a gun on you, what is that?
It's just a stick.
It's a magic stick, makes me want to paint.
Is that bad?
Is art bad?
Problem with legalizing pot in this country is that there's a lot of dumb people in this country.
We're sort of becoming a dumb country.
And I don't say that to offend anybody but if that does offend you it's probably because you're too dumb to know that I'm right.
Legalizing pot is very difficult, you know.
A lot of people are against it.
They think, it's an immature drug for high school kids, yeah, it is.
The cool ones.
Remember them, kids you were socially crushing it a little too soon in life?
Another standing ovation.
Nice.
Thank you.
I think the reality is pot isn't for kids, it's for adults.
The older you get the more you realize, life is just chores.
That's all it is.
The day you officially become an adult is the day you accept, oh, my God, this is only chores.
It doesn't matter how well you to them, how fast you do them, they're coming back tomorrow, they're come back the next day, coming back next week, people are like, I thought there was more to life than this.
There is.
There'sed mesen you can take.
That makes you think that every chore you have to do is a video game you get to live inside of.
Grocery shopping high?
Shut up!
Shut up!
Nobody likes grocery shopping.
You're going to buy groceries you want to eat later and you still don't want to go do it.
Get high, go grocery shopping.
It will quickly become the most expensive scavenger hunt you have ever been on.
Everyone who is not clapping, you're not listening.
You have a list, you have a list that you wrote down at home now you're at the grocery store, high.
Oh, my god, where do we start?
Salt?
I have no idea where that is.
This could be hours.
Great.
Great.
If you're anything like me, you forget that the sign above the aisles tell you what's in the aisles.
I think a lot of us do that.
Sober, high, doesn't matter.
You forget the signs are there.
And you do that thing you all do, you don't want to fully commit to an aisle, you take like two steps in.
Just peer down the aisle, analyze the food.
Is the food I'm looking for, would it live next to this food?
You're like a detective that barged into a room to look around quickly.
What's that down there?
Jams and jellies?
No, I don't see rice living next to jams and jellies.
Not after what happened.
Not after what happened.
Adam, tickle those keys for them for a second.
Let them hear it.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
That feels good.
You guys ever have to use the bathroom at the grocery store?
Answer me.
Sorry.
It's the alcohol.
They're not in the corners leek they're supposed to be.
You have a public restroom, put them in the corners, we'll find them.
Grocery stores are like, no, we're going to put them beyond these double doors that you don't know if you're allowed to go beyond or not.
The doors -- doors don't say employees only, so the mystery --
I don't know, can I go back there?
You have to go up to some 16-year-old kid who is restocking the soup and ask for permission to use the bathroom as an adult.
Hey, man, can I go back beyond the doors?
They always act like they don't know if they have bathrooms.
Oh, um -- you know what, let me get Matt.
Let me get Matt.
He'll know.
Dude, I have to take a \[Beep] if I had to piss, I'd go outside like an adult.
If I had enough time to make it home, I wouldn't be talking to you, I'd abort this mission, I'd be in the car singing to myself.
I have three minutes until this happens.
My brain just let me in on that information.
My brain was like you got three minutes until this happens, bro.
You're not answering the emails from your colon, that's your fault.
You might want to start to think of a solution.
You've seen those people at the grocery store who ralize they have to take a crap but they have enough time to make it home.
Nouff never seen them, but you have turned down an aisle and seen a grocery cart filled with food and no one's around.
Hello!
Is there an abduction here?
You guys, that's Adam McFarland, I'm Rory Scovel.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
[Applause]
Conan: fantastic.
Rory Scovel!
[Applause]