1. Roy Wood, Jr. Stand-Up 06/24/13

Roy Wood, Jr. Stand-Up 06/24/13

Roy thinks the best way to picture how long forever lasts in a marriage can be found in "The Walking Dead."

Transcript:

CONAN: My next guest is a comedian and actor who stars on "Sullivan & Son" which can be seen Thursday nights at 10:00 right here on tbs.
Please welcome back to the show, the very funny Roy wood Jr.!
[Cheers and Applause]
>> Yeah, I got into it with my uncle, which I don't understand people -- you ever have somebody give you a gift that they're proud of, but you're looking at the gift like why would you -- why the hell would you buy me that?
My uncle gave me a $50 gift card with $12 left on it, why?
[Laughter]
That doesn't even make any sense.
There was a 50 on the top.
Underneath it he wrote minus 38, I got to do math?
It was 50 when I leave the house, I had to stop and get some gas, I'm sorry.
I don't understand people, man.
I'm from Birmingham, Alabama, I live in L.A. now.
No one tells you before you come to L.A. are that the gangs are still serious.
They're very serious in L.A.
They get mad if you wear the wrong color in the wrong neighborhood.
Here is the problem with being black.
All right, there is a lot of problems with being black.
Here is one of the problems with being black is that if you wear the wrong colored shirt in the wrong hood, the gang dudes want to fight me.
I'm wearing a red polo.
It was a nice two button, why can't I wear a red shirt again.
I'm 34, I'm grown, I should be allowed to wear a normal color shirt again, sir.
Why are you in my face?
What hood are you claiming?
What hood are you claiming?
I'm claiming adulthood, sir, I'm grown now.
It doesn't make any sense.
I didn't understand it.
I had a blazer on.
I had on a red two button with a blazer on top of the shirt. How can you possibly confuse me, even if I am in a gang, obviously I'm a supervisor, you're out of line.
[Laughter]
Little cousin Derek got married to this girl Tasha in Baton Rouge, I just went to the wedding.
I don't understand.
I understand marriage, but it's the forever part that I -- why does it have to be forever?
>> Can't it just be until the kids get out of college and high five, we did it, good job.
Why does it have to be forever?
Forever is a long time.
That's what I don't think my cousin understands.
I don't think most men understands what forever looks like.
Most men start running off at the mouth.
People have been getting married Forever since the beginning of time.
Yeah, because back in the day, everybody died at 30.
It made sense.
You're 27 with a bad cough, yeah, go ahead and settle down.
You got three years left.
You don't have to do that anymore.
We have Nyquil and penicillin, you're going to be here a while.
Make sure you actually like this Person because forever is a long time, man.
Most men don't know forever looks like.
This is what most men forget is that women work harder at a relationship than a man ever will, hands down, no competition.
A woman will do everything in her power to make a relationship work.
It doesn't matter what the circumstances are.
You don't believe me, watch a television show called "the walking dead."
It's the best example I can give you, great show, great show.
If you haven't watched "the walking dead," pretty simple premise.
The zombies take over the earth.
Everybody is running from the zombies.
It's deeper than that, that's the basic gist.
Oh, here they come, run.
That's pretty much the gist of the show.
And the show, the best example I can give you dedication to a marriage, black dude, first episode of the show.
A black dude with his son, only people in the neighborhood to not get caught by the zombies.
They go out during the day.
They scurry around, gather supplies, ammunition, whatever they need to stay alive until the next day.
They go home at sunset.
That's when the zombies come out.
They board up the windows, they turn out the lights.
They blokade the door.
They do everything they can to remain silent so the zombies can't hear them.
It works for the most part.
But one night he hears a knocking at the door.
He gets his gun and he creeps up to the door, he puts his son behind him and he looks up through the peephole of the door and on the other side of the door is his dead zombie wife.
That's what forever looks like.
[Cheers and Applause]
>> She is a zombie to make it work.
That's all I got for you man, thank you so much, man, I appreciate it.
[Cheers and Applause]
>> That was fantastic.
>> Thank you, sir.
>> That was hilarious.
Roy wood Jr.!
[Cheers and Applause]
>> That is our show, good night, everybody!
[Cheers and Applause]