1. The Firehouse Masturbator Is A Real Pervert

The Firehouse Masturbator Is A Real Pervert

And it looks like a member of the CONAN audience knows a little too much about the criminal jerk-artist in question.


CONAN: Folks, every now and then we're talk about these crazy stories.
You see a story that sort of jumps at you.
And it jumps out at you because it's so creepy, disgusting and sad like this one.
A guy in Kentucky got drunk, broke into a firehouse and was found there masturbating on the firehouse equipment.
You have to be a real degenerate to get your rocks off in a firehouse.
You have to have someone that --
What the hell?
Alan in
ALAN: Sorry, Conan.
CONAN: What happened?
ALAN: It was a camera miscue.
CONAN: I'm very sorry that happened and apologize.
As I was saying this pervert in Kentucky absolutely --
Alan, what are you doing?
ALAN: Sorry, Conan, I was thinking real hard about not cutting to him which made me accidentally cut to him.
CONAN: Yeah, well, just get it together.
ALAN: I will.
CONAN: What was I talking about?
Yes, I know now.
The firehouse masturbator.
CONAN: Alan!
ALAN: Sorry, Conan, we're having technical difficulties.
CONAN: Technical difficulties, you just played a firetruck siren.
ALAN: It went off by accident.
CONAN: How do you explain the blinking red arrow pointing to the guy?
ALAN: No idea.
CONAN: Whatever you're doing.
Once again, sir, I'm sorry, that's unfortunate.
Getting back to the story.
I have no prude, but there's a name for people that commit lewd acts in a firehouse.
>> Hose burglar.
First responder.
Spontaneous come bust on.
-- combustion.
CONAN: Alan, why do you have all those titles loaded up?
ALAN: This responder was the sequel to first responder.
And this is a project I would rather not discuss.
CONAN: No more graphics.
Anyway, the firehouse perve --
[Cheers and applause]
>> There he is!
Let's go!
[Cheers and applause]
CONAN: We'll figure this out, I promise.
We'll figure this out soon.
My apologies, sir.
It's your own fault for --
Look at the woman next to him.