CONAN: People are still talking about the nightmare trip on carnival cruise ship's triumph.
Well, many passengers who were stranded for four days in filthy and unsanitary conditions on the ship are now, as you can guess it was coming, starting to file lawsuits.
They're all filing lawsuits.
Well, here's the strange thing.
The latest lawsuit is by someone who wasn't even on the ship.
We actually have the plaintiff live via satellite from a Manhattan law office where he's about to hold a press conference and there he is.
[cheers and applause]
Conan: Hi, triumph.
TRIUMPH: Hello, Conan.
I understand that is your attorney with you?
That is Allen.
TRIUMPH: Yes, yes.
I'm here with -- he's my attorney and long-time friend.
You probably remember him from the O.J. trial.
He's a true American hero.
TRIUMPH: Yes, thank you, triumph.
Thank you very much.
Conan: I understand, triumph, that you have prepared -- a prepared statement you want to read.
Conan: you OK, triumph?
You all right over there?
TRIUMPH: I'm perfect.
Don't worry about me.
Conan: all right.
TRIUMPH: This is the list of my problems.
Conan: all right.
What is your complaint, triumph?
TRIUMPH: Ladies and gentlemen, members of the media, thank you for coming here today.
Recently the carnival cruise line used the name triumph without my permission on their disastrous cruise.
By doing so, they have degraded my good name and cast negative aspersions on my persona.
From now on, people will only associate me with poop.
TRIUMPH: I have spent many years building a career and the reputation and now suddenly people are coming up to me everywhere and saying, hey, triumph, that's a great ship for you to poop on.
Conan: OK, actually, triumph, to be fair, you know, you've spent --
TRIUMPH: Therefore I'm suing the carnival cruise lines for the sum of $900 million.
Conan: OK, triumph, triumph.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but haven't people been saying for me to poop unto you for years and years and years?
TRIUMPH: That's an ancillary issue.
This is about present circumstances from the incident.
This is a case that relies on the law as it relates to the rule.
TRIUMPH: The carnival's negligence has caused irreparable damage to -- back to my closeup.
[cheers and applause]
And placed tremendous stress on my family.
And also on my call girl.
When an organization --
When an organization chooses to use the name triumph --
Conan: excuse me, excuse me.
Why ARE YOU holding those papers to your face?
TRIUMPH: Conan, please, I'm merely scanning my notes which clearly cite the precedent of hakuna matata.
Yeah, so leave us alone.
To use the name triumph, they have a responsibility to uphold the high standards I have set.
But instead they smear more than just my name.
The last time I saw people -- the last time I saw people -- my closeup!
The last time I saw people covered in that much feces they were touring the White House with al roker.
One thing is for certain.
The shopping onboard the triumph was definitely not -- Conan, ARE YOU ready?
You know what's coming?
International waters -- Duty-free.
It's a good one.
The cruise ship had clearly entered uncharted territory.
Conan, a chart is when an individual is under the presumption that he's passed gas.
Conan: yeah, I know.
Even worse, one passenger's room was flooded with Nicholas cage movies.
TRIUMPH: Folks, if I wanted four days worth of \[Beep] I'd give chris Christie a laxative.
By the way, if anyone films what was happening on that ship, the entire country of Germany would like to have a copy.
Those poor, poor people on that cruise ship.
All they wanted was a trip to Mexico and all they got were overflowing toilets, unsanitary conditions and power outages.
In other words, a trip to Mexico.
CONAN: triumph, I'm sorry, I have to tell you, I think this lawsuit is a really stupid idea.
TRIUMPH: No one cares what you think, freckle dick!
I'm so sorry it's not as smart as talking to snooki and jwoww for 10 minutes.