D.J. Demers Stand-Up 07/13/17

July 14, 2017

D.J. Demers

D.J. Demers can’t hear whispers, so the details of your illicit affairs are safe with him.

TranscriptGREAT TO BE HERE. AMERICA, I JUST MOVED HERE. I'M CANADIAN. [CHEERING] >> AH, NICE. I JUST MOVED HERE A FEW MONTHS AGO. I LOOKED AT THE CURRENT POLITICAL CLIMATE AND I SAID, NOW IS THE TIME. RIGHT. I JUST LEARNED AN INTERESTING LAW. YOU KNOW, UP UNTIL RECENTLY, IT WAS ILLEGAL FOR GAY MEN TO DONATE BLOOD IN AMERICA, WHICH IS NOT COOL, THAT DISCRIMINATION BUT THEY CHANGED THE LAW RECENTLY WHERE GAY MEN ARE NOW ALLOWED TO DONATE BLOOD, WHICH IS GREAT NEWS. THERE IS ONE LITTLE CAV YET. GAY MEN CAN NOW DONATE BLOOD AS LONG AS THEY HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN ONE YEAR. SO THAT'S EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS. THAT'S CRAZY. IF YOU'RE NOT HAVING SEX FOR ONE WHOLE YEAR, THAT'S A LIFESTYLE CHOICE I CAN'T GET BEHIND. I HAVE NO PROBLEM GETTING A BLOOD TRANSFUSION FROM A GAY MAN BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF I HAVE LOSER BLOOD COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS. NO WAY. I'M NOT GAY MYSELF. I'M A STRAIGHT MAN. I LIVE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AND SHE'S A SWEETHEART. SHE HAD TO MAKE A FEW ADJUSTMENTS BECAUSE I WEAR HEARING AIDS AND I'M SURE YOU CAN SEE THEM. RIGHT? GOT THEM HERE. YEAH. I'M SURE YOU CAN. IF YOU CAN'T, GET YOUR EYES CHECKED. YOU BUNCH OF BLIND LOSERS. BUT, NO. I HATE ALL OTHER DISABILITIES AND --. [LAUGHTER] THE BIGGEST ADJUSTMENT MY GIRLFRIEND HAD TO MAKE IS I TAKE MY HEARING AIDS OUT WHEN I GO TO SLEEP SO YOU KNOW WHEN WE'RE LYING IN BED AT THE END OF THE DAY, THERE IS NO CASUAL TRANSITION FROM TALKING INTO SLEEPING. WHEN I TAKE THESE HEARING AIDS OUT, TALKING TIME IS OVER. SLEEPING TIME HAS BEGUN. WE EVEN HAVE A LITTLE RITUAL WHERE BEFORE I TAKE THEM OUT I MAKE LIKE A LAST CALL. LIKE, HEY, BABY, YOU GOT ANY FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE DAY? ANY CLOSING REMARKS? BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO SHUT THIS SHIT DOWN. IT'S NOT ALL FUN AND GAMES THOUGH. SHE SAID SOMETHING TO ME RECENTLY THAT SHOOK ME, ROCKED ME TO MY VERY CORE. SHE SAID, WHEN WE GO TO SHEEP AT NIGHT WHEN YOU TAKE OUT YOUR HEARING AIDS, I FEEL ALONE. I FEEL VERY ALONE. I WAS LIKE, WHOA. ALONE. BABY, NO, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. REMEMBER THAT. I'M RIGHT THERE BESIDE YOU AND IF ANYTHING HAPPENS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, ANYTHING AT ALL, I NEED YOU TO SAVE ME. YOU'RE NOT ALONE. DON'T EVER FORGET THAT. I NEED YOU SO BAD. IN FACT, I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO START SLEEPING WITH YOUR CONTACTS IN, PLEASE. WE'RE VERY VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW. I TAKE OUT MY HEARING AIDS. YOU TAKE OUT YOUR CONTACTS. YOU KNOW. AS A UNIT, WE'VE GONE FULL HELEN KELLER. [APPLAUSE] I DON'T HEAR WHISPERING AT ALL EVEN WITH MY HEARING AIDS IN. WHENEVER SOMEBODY WHISPERS TO ME I'M LIKE, IF THIS IS A SECRET, YOU CAN REST ASSURED. [LAUGHTER] VERY, VERY SAFE. STAYS WITH US. MAINLY WITH YOU. SO THE WORST, I'M MISSING OUT ON ALL THE GOOD STUFF, JUICY, DELASHESE DETAILS. NOBODY IS EVER WHISPERING SMALL TALK. NOBODY IS EVER LIKE, IT'S A REALLY BEAUTIFUL DAY OUT THERE. WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING, MAN. NO. IT'S ALWAYS THE GOOD STUFF. I'M MISSING OUT. I CAN HEAR THE FIRST LEVEL OF WHISPERING. YOU KNOW, WHEN SOMEBODY IS KIND OF WHISPERING BUT THERE'S STILL SOME VOLUME. I CAN HEAR THAT. BUT EVERY LEVEL AFTER THAT, WHEN IT GETS LOWER AND JUCIER, I DON'T HEAR. I JUST RESPOND TO THE FIRST PART AND I END UP LOOKING LIKE A MORON. MY FRIEND CAME UP TO ME AND SHE WAS LIKE, I WAS IN BERMUDA LAST WEEK. AND I CHEATED ON MY HUSBAND. WITH TWO GUYS. AT THE SAME TIME. I WAS LIKE, I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO BERMUDA.

D.J. Demers

D.J. Demers Stand-Up 12/01/14Tue, 02 Dec 2014