CONAN: For the first time in 600 years, a hope is resigning, stepping down.
The usual course of action is to die.
BILL MAHER: I know.
The old pope, you remember got shot.
He had Parkinson's.
Usually if you can just half wave and verbal something that sounds vaguely Latin, you have to die with the hat on.
CONAN: That sounds like a weird thing to say.
That sounds pretty rough.
BILL MAHER: I mean, that's why they give him the big gold stick, something to lean on.
Also, you know, the pope, kind of being a cafeteria Catholic here, because you know, you're supposed to follow the doctrine and Catholics don't.
You're still Catholic, right?
BILL MAHER: CONAN: Yes, I'm Catholic.
It's in my D.N.A.
BILL MAHER: But Catholics they don't follow.
They use birth control.
They have premarital sex.
CONAN: I tried to.
I tried very hard to.
BILL MAHER: I mean, we found out earlier this year or last year in the primaries when the republicans made contraception an issue that 98% of Catholics use birth control.
Apparently, the only one who is don't are the priests.
Oh, they would have if alter boys could get pregnant.
CONAN: Must call mother.
Must tell her not to watch tonight's show.
Who was that horrible man?
What kind of a show is it?
It's how we do it.
BILL MAHER: Yeah, I know.
CONAN: Let's move on.
And then we'll get back to this.
BILL MAHER: Oh, I might.
CONAN: You can at any time -- state of the union address is tonight by the time this show airs, it would have already happen but we tape as many as six months early.
So we don't know who won the election.
What do you expect from the president's state of the union speech?
BILL MAHER: Well-, I'm going by the inaugural.
The media was all over the inaugural like it was a real liberal speech.
But really everything he said, these are all centrists positions where you're all behind him on that.
You're all behind him on that?
He did give a shoutout that had never been done.
He said our journey is not complete unless all our gay brothers and sisters are treated equally under the law.
I just wanted to say, well, Mr. President, I'm gay for marijuana.
[Cheers and applause]
I'd like to be treated equally under the law, you know?
We met in high school.
And we've been together ever since.
CONAN: You guys have been going at it hot and heavy.
BILL MAHER: Sometimes we complete each other's sentences.
CONAN: So you are -- clearly you want an end to the drug war?
That's something you've been pretty outspoken about.
BILL MAHER: It's certainly been over in my house.
Certainly on the Mexican border it would be, yes.
First of all, it would be a great issue for democrats.
I don't think they realize that this could be a wedge issue, you know, something that would get a lot of new voters, probably on the wrong day.
And maybe --
CONAN: And maybe not even in the booth.
The trunk of their car --
BILL MAHER: It could be winning issue.
They've always walked away from it.
CONAN: It was a very divisive campaign as it usually is.
Everybody seems to feel that it's getting more divisive.
Do you think the republicans learned anything from this recent election?
BILL MAHER: What?
Let's read that question back and see how stupid you sound.
CONAN: Oh, it's not -- this is a recipe.
This is for cookies.
No, I don't go by that when you're here.
We're locked in… Bill Maher.
CONAN: We'll take a quick break.