1. Clueless Gamer: Conan O'Brien Reviews "Halo 4"

Clueless Gamer: Conan O'Brien Reviews "Halo 4"

CONAN Highlight: Conan is less interested in shooting things and more interested in his sexy A.I. guide, Cortana.

  • Watch "Conan & Andy's "Halo 4" Voiceover Remote"
  • Transcript:

    CONAN: Hey, Conan O'Brien here with another edition of clueless gamer.
    This is where I rate video games.
    Very ironic.
    Because I don't really play them.
    I'm not good at them.
    And I kind of hate them.
    but who better to review them than I?
    Today, we are tackling one.
    Biggies, "Halo 4."
    Ill a little bit of a personal interest in this because I recorded a voice for "Halo 4."
    I'm a character.
    I don't know where.
    I don't know how I appear but obviously that's going to be the highlight of the game.
    Let's bring in my partner.
    This is Aaron Bleyaert.
    You work in which department?
    AARON BLEYAERT: Team coco digital.
    CONAN: Team coco digital.
    We'll switch you out of there soon.
    Parking cars.
    Tell me about "Halo 4."
    What do I need to play this game?
    AARON BLEYAERT: The second of the trilogy in the Halo universe.
    There's this alien race called the covenant who is at war with humanity who is actually having a civil war in the inner and outer colonies and they're thee catic -- and they're ther --
    theocratic -- 
    CONAN: quick question, do you have a girlfriend?
    AARON BLEYAERT: And forerunners perish with another race called the flood who consume all fleshes in the galaxy.
    CONAN: Why do you know all of this?
    AARON BLEYAERT: I've been playing the Halo game.
    That's what the game is about.
    CONAN: You said a theocratic society.
    Do you even know what that is?
    AARON BLEYAERT: I think it's a religious -- based around religion.
    CONAN: Wrong.
    It's a society built around the character of theo from the Cosby show.
    Anyway, continue with your lecture, professor.
    AARON BLEYAERT: And which turns -- he turned against humanity but there's A.I. Warriors and made of computers -- and guys shooting at you and you try to kill them.
    CONAN: Stop.
    You could have done that over 40 minutes ago.
    AARON BLEYAERT: Now we're going to watch a quick prologue.
    CONAN: Of course.
    This never happened.
    When I came along in the 1980's there was no prologue to "pong. You know, they didn't tell the story of the little blip.
    It just happened.
    AARON BLEYAERT: This is the back end of the ship.
    We're in cryogenic slumber.
    CONAN: Floating out in space and asleep.
    CONAN: Wow.
    What an action-packed tale.
    wait a minute.
    Something's happening.
    Who's that?
    AARON BLEYAERT: That's your artificial intelligence companion cortana.
    >> Seems like old times.
    AARON BLEYAERT: She lives in a microchip you put in your helmet.
    CONAN: Can she go anywhere on my body or stay in the helmet?
    does she ever go south?
    AARON BLEYAERT: She updated your firm ware while you were asleep.
    CONAN: I bet she did.
    >> He thought you'd never --
    >> I thought you'd never ask.
    CONAN: Where did she go?
    AARON BLEYAERT: In your helmet.
    CONAN: She doesn't really exist?
    CONAN: She's like Manti Te'o's girlfriend.
    AARON BLEYAERT: Go up and around.
    CONAN: This is how my father walks.
    "here I come, I'm a superhuman who has trouble negotiating stairs."
    Lingerie, third floor.
    Now, basically an artificial gravity well has pulled the ship infinity which came to rescue us on the planet requiem.
    And the dydaks will wake you from the ancient slumber -- from   CONAN: Planet ambien.
    People are just napping all the time.
    Until they wake up and kill and time for another slumber!
    AARON BLEYAERT: We're going to play co-op mode.
    You're on top, OK?
    CONAN: Here we go.
    Now I'm just spinning around.
    And I'm panicking in battle and just spinning in circles.
    All right.
    AARON BLEYAERT: You had trouble in the forest so we're going to get in a tank.
    CONAN: Here we go.
    Here we go.
    AARON BLEYAERT: Oh, yeah.
    CONAN: I'm doing better in the tank than I did with just my own body.
    When I was growing up my parents had a large station wagon, a 1970 Pontiac and that's what I learned to drive on and this handles a lot like a 1970 Pontiac.
    I'm letting this guy up.
    And you want some death?
    Have a death cookie and with some blowup milk?
    AARON BLEYAERT: The worst I've ever heard.
    CONAN: Want some flan made of you're dead?
    Our tank got a little messed up.
    The good news is this is a rental.
    That's the good news.
    We're just going to turn this back in to Hertz and say I don't know.
    It was this way when I got it.
    What are we moving on to now?
    AARON BLEYAERT: You disobeyed orders and decided not to hand over cortana and going rogue.
    CONAN: They wanted me sexy girl and I didn't give her up.
    CONAN: Does she know I didn't give her up?
    AARON BLEYAERT: I think so.
    CONAN: I would think so.
    That would be money in the bank if you know what I mean.
    >> Take a girl for a ride.
    AARON BLEYAERT: Oh, my God.
    Never licked a remote before.
    AARON BLEYAERT: So I thought we could move on to the level where you're actually in.
    CONAN: This is level that I recorded the voice for.
    AARON BLEYAERT: This is the level that you're in, yeah.
    >> There is a pretty sweet union we're in.
    >> That's fantastic.
    >> Stands near the crates but don't ever move them. If anybody even looks at the crates, that's a violation.
    >> Would this warm this up a little bit?
    >> Absolutely, absolutely.
    >> Just like literally, I'm not talking wall to wall but like five area rugs.
    CONAN: Rugs in their sacred name.
    Can I shoot myself?
    AARON BLEYAERT: You can elbow yourself to death.
    >> I think there's going to be a war with an alien they awoke from an ancient sleep.
    CONAN: Watch my belt in the face.
    I always wanted to do that.
    Andy is running away.
    Where is he?
    Andy's hard to get.
    He's fast.
    sleep tight, Richter.
    More satisfying to knock myself out.
    And myself loathing at work.
    AARON BLEYAERT: How would you rate Halo 4?
    CONAN: Fantastic graphics.
    Good God.
    That woman is absolutely gorgeous.
    I'm very attracted to that woman.
    And almost to the point of it being sad.
    How do I rate the game?
    Let's say I'll use noises.
    Is very good.
    And hi-ho is very bad and I'm going to give this up.
    [sound effects]
    that's my rating.
    Figure it out.
    [cheers and applause]