1. Clueless Gamer: Conan O'Brien Reviews "Tomb Raider"

Clueless Gamer: Conan O'Brien Reviews "Tomb Raider"

Conan gets so into "Tomb Raider" that he's heartbroken whenever Lara Croft dies. Which happens a lot.

Transcript:

CONAN: HEY, CONAN O'BRIEN HERE WITH ANOTHER EPISODE OF CLUE CLUELESS GAMER.
THIS WHERE I RATE VIDEO GAMES WHICH IS IRONIC BECAUSE I DON'T PLAY THEM WELL.
I DON'T EVEN ENJOY THEM.
WHO BETTER THAN ME.
TODAY, TOMB RAIDER AND TO HELP ME OUT IS MR. AARON BLEYART
TOMB RAIDER FOLLOWS THE CHRONICLES OF LARA CROFT.
AARON BLEYART YES.
CONAN: EVERYBODY WANTS TO SAY LAURA, AND EVERYBODY DOES SAY LAURA SECRETLY BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE SOME -- SAID, NO, IT'S LARA.
AARON BLEYART: A FAMOUS EXPLORER ONCE SAID --
THAT'S A TRAILER FOR THE GAME.
CONAN: ARE YOU GOING TO TALK THROUGH IT?
AARON BLEYART:YEAH.
CONAN: GOOD.
SHE'S VERY ATTRACTIVE.
AARON BLEYART: THERE'S THE SHIP.
CONAN: I KNOW THAT'S THE SHIP.
>> THEY FOUND ME.
CONAN: OK.
SHE DIED.
GAME'S OVER.
[LAUGHTER]
WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT HAPPENED?
AARON BLEYART: SHE GOT PULLED OUT -- THERE'S ROTH, THAT'S ROTH.
CONAN: WHOA!
THAT WAS AN INCREDIBLE --
AARON BLEYART: ROTH DROPS HER.
CONAN: ROTH DROPS HER SO HE COULD LOOK AT HER CLEAVAGE.
HE HAD HER AND HE WAS LIKE, I'D LIKE TO TAKE A LOOK AND WOW.
AARON BLEYART:THE LIMITED EDITION CONTROLLER.
CONAN: THIS IS A LIMITED EDITION CONTROLLER MADE OF AN EXPENSIVE MARZIPAN.
IT CAN BE EATEN.
AARON BLEYART: IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE A MOVIE, VERY CINEMATIC.
CONAN: SO WE GET TO LOOK AT HER.
OTHERWISE I'M A MAN IN A WOMAN'S BODY AS OPPOSED TO WHAT I REALLY AM WHICH IS A WOMAN TRAPPED IN A MAN'S BODY.
AND I'M FALLING AND OH!
OH!
YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S NOT HER FIRST PIERCING.
I'M TELLING YOU.
YES!
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET OUT.
AARON BLEYART: LET'S GET OUT.
CONAN: THOSE ARE TIGHT PANTS AND I'M THE GUY RIGHT BEHIND HER.
WHAT THE -- SAVE THAT PERSON.
AARON BLEYART: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
CONAN: IT'S ANOTHER GIRL.
YOU KNOW WHAT, IN REAL LIFE, A GIRL WOULD THINK, THAT'S COMPETITION.
I WANT TO HELP HER, I REALLY DO.
AARON BLEYART: SHE'S DEAD.
CONAN: IS SHE DEAD?
AARON BLEYART: I THINK SO.
CONAN: HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE'S DEAD?
AARON BLEYART: SHE LOOKS DEAD AND THERE'S FLIES AROUND HER.
CONAN: DOESN'T LOOK DEAD TO ME AND PLENTY OF TIMES I'VE SEEN FLIES AROUND YOU AND YOU'RE NOT DEAD.
AARON BLEYART: WE CAN LIGHT THIS ON FIRE.
CONAN: THAT'S MY INSTINCT WHEN TRAPPED IN A CONFINED SPACE, LIGHT EVERYTHING ON FIRE.
AARON BLEYART: PERFECT.
CONAN: WHO'S THAT?
AARON BLEYART:BACK AND FORTH.
CONAN: PUSH, PUSH.
OH!
WHY IS SHE SWEARING?
AARON BLEYART: YOU WOULD SWEAR IF HE WAS DRAGGING YOU TO YOUR DEATH?
CONAN: IS SHE HOLDING HER SIDE BECAUSE SHE'S WOUNDED OR TRYING TO LOOK THINNER.
LOOKS LIKE SHE ATE A HUGE MEXICAN LUNCH.
CHIMICHANGA.
>> RUN TOWARDS THE LIGHT.
CONAN: THAT'S WHAT I TELL EVERY OLD PERSON I SEE.
WHENEVER I GO TO A NURSING HOME, I SHOUT "RUN TOWARDS THE LIGHT," AND GET ESCORTED OUT BY SECURITY.
AARON BLEYART: KEEP RUNNING, KEEP RUNNING.
JUMP NOW!
CONAN: YES!
YOU DRIVE FOR A LITTLE BIT.
THESE PANTS ARE TIGHT!
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!
GOD!
I THINK THAT COP WOULD COME OFF.
IS THAT OK?
AARON BLEYART: JUMP ACROSS THAT CHASM THERE.
CONAN: IT'S A CHASM.
DID YOU SAY CHASM?
IT'S A CHASM.
AARON BLEYART: IT'S A C-H.
CONAN: THAT'S CRAZY!
WHAT A CHAOTIC GAMER.
I'M LOOKING AT HER FOR A BIT.
WHOEVER MADE THIS GAME IS A GENIUS BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN ORGANIC REASON TO ALWAYS BE BEHIND HER AND CLOSE.
HOW DO I CLIMB?
AARON BLEYART: JUST UP.
JUST PRESS UP.
CONAN: WHOA!
MY GOD STUFF FALLS APART A LOT ON THIS ISLAND.
YOU KNOW WHAT ISLAND WE'RE ON?
LAWSUIT ISLAND!
AARON BLEYART: COME THIS WAY.
CONAN: LOOK AT THIS.
SHE FOUND A HAND BAG AND SHE'S DISTRACTED.
OK, WE HAVE NOW JUMPED AHEAD IN THE GAME AND I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO TONE IT DOWN WITH THE PERVEY STUFF.
AARON BLEYART: WE FIND OURSELVES TRAPPED IN THIS MONASTERY, YOU'VE BEEN CAPTURED AND HERE YOU GO.
CONAN: I'M SO PERVING OUT.
I THINK SOMEONE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE.
OK.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
SORRY, FELLAS.
>> I HATE TOMBS.
CONAN: WHAT DID SHE SAY?
AARON BLEYART: I HATE TOMBS.
CONAN: GUESS WHAT, DON'T BE A TOMB RAIDER!
AARON BLEYART: PRESS THE RED ONE!
DON'T HIT THE TREE!
CONAN: YOU GOT A LITTLE BLOOD ON YOU.
UNLESS THOSE ARE BERRIES ON THE TREES.
AARON BLEYART: WE'RE GOING ACROSS THIS RIVER.
STRONG CURRENT.
CONAN: STRONG CURRENT.
NO!
AARON BLEYART: YOU HAVE TO DODGE STUFF.
TO THE RIGHT, TO THE RIGHT!
DODGE TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT!
CONAN: OH!
[SCREAMING]
CONAN: NO!
NO!
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!
AARON BLEYART: GO TO THE RIGHT.
TO THE LEFT, NOT TO THE RIGHT.
CONAN: I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!
I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!
OH, LOOK OUT!
DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN!
AARON BLEYART: PERFECT.
WHOOPS, WHOOPS!
[APPLAUSE]
CONAN: OK, TOMB RAIDER COMES OUT MARCH 5 AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IT IS AN INCREDIBLE GAME.
GRAPHICS, AMAZING.
THE ACTION, AND GOOD GOD, LARA, LET'S FACE IT, HER NAME'S LAURA, IS INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE AND THIS GAME MAKES YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH HER AND THEN LOSE HER OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
VERY PAINFUL.
SO THIS WAS LIKE HIGH SCHOOL ALL OVER AGAIN.
LOVE THE GAME.
I GOT TO RATE IT NOW.
IF THIS RIGHT HERE IS BAD, IF THIS IS GOOD, I'M GOING TO GIVE IT A -- TOMB RAIDER.
DON'T MISS IT.
IT'S TRAUMATIC, IT'S HORRIFYING.