1. Clueless Gamer: Conan Reviews "Super Smash Bros."

Clueless Gamer: Conan Reviews "Super Smash Bros."

CONAN Highlight: Conan takes on the hotly anticipated Wii U game and finds that his favorite part is the sarcastic applause from the losers.

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Transcript:

CONAN: This is probably the most exciting clueless gamer I have ever done.
Today I really am going to review Super Smash Bros.
They don't even have a cover for the game yet so I made one.
I drew it very quickly.
To help me, as always, is the biggest nerd on staff, Aaron Bleyaert.
>> Hello, sir, how's it going?
CONAN: Good.
This is huge, right?
>> I am really, really excited this is one of my favorite games.
I can't believe that Nintendo gave us a sneak peek of this.
And so now we get to sit and --
CONAN: He's so excited about this opportunity --
>> What are the --
CONAN: This is ridiculous.
You can't even speak.
This is how excited people in the gaming world are.
You're speaking like a caveman you're so excited.
Game good, we play now. Fire!
>> All right, so those are the characters.
CONAN: This is Mario.
He's Italian.
He speaks very broken English.
>> Yes, though he's been living in this country for a long time.
He's not been paying attention.
Donkey Kong is a classic.
This is one of the guys from Daft Punk.
>> Cannon for a hand.
CONAN: Right.
>> Then we have Zero Suit Samus, which is the girl without the suit.
CONAN: Improved.
Is there a Birthday Suit Samus?
I need her.
Then there's Zelda.
"Wear your sleeping cap."
Whenever we go into elfin world, I don't give a shit.
I'm seeing pointed ears. Is she elfin?
>> Yes.
CONAN: Done, not doing it.
No Link, to Zelda.
>> Jared Leto right here.
You really want to kiss him.
This is Greninja.
Pokemon.
CONAN: So these are all from different games?
>> Yes, they span the world of Nintendo.
CONAN: So you know about all these games?
>> Yes.
CONAN: So you have no life.
>> So Greninja is kind of like a frog.
He uses water swords.
CONAN: So everyone at Nintendo is on acid all the time.
I want to know, what ideas do they edit out at Nintendo?
"His name's Jibjub. What is he? He's a Blipblorp. What's he do? He goes to Gimbar?"
>> Let's do it.
>> I want to be classic so I want to be Mario.
I just want to pick Mario's nose.
Mario is rubbing his nipple.
Ah!
>> Try to knock the other person off.
It's not about killing the other person.
You're just trying to knock them off the platform.
Look, there I am.
>> Ahhh!
>> That is a pong game going on.
CONAN: What's happening?
>> That was a pong game.
CONAN: Why is pong suddenly here?
So another game from the 1970's can break out at any second?
Why don't you have Jimmy Carter show up and just bum me out?
What happened there?
>> Let's see who won.
Oh, I won.
CONAN: Look.
Mario is applauding sarcastically.
You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to be the villager because he looks like one of those puppets in a horror movie that comes to life and murders everyone.
Look at those eyes.
He's enraged because a mad scientist put spoons on his hand.
It's the homicidal spoon hand boy.
Here I am.
"I have spoons for hands."
Look, is that an umbrella?
Wait, you have armor and a sword and I have an umbrella.
I got him in the neck.
What are you doing in the neck?
What's happening?
Where are we now?
Ah!
What's happening?
OK, now what are we doing.
>> We haven't done any fighting.
CONAN: Why are w fighting in the middle of a Willy Wonka nightmare?
What happened, who won?
How do you even know who won?
>> Oh, you won.
CONAN: I won it?
[applause]
Why do I have a cockroach?
>> It's kind of simple when you get the hang of it.
CONAN: Quick, who was our second president after Washington?
>> Benjamin Franklin?
CONAN: He was never president!
>> It was --
CONAN: You know -- quick, what's his name?
>> The villager.
CONAN: And who's that?
>> That's Marth.
CONAN: OK, America just lost.
I want to be the Wii Fit Trainer because I think she needs to get outside.
Look at her skin.
You can tell she's totally vegan, getting no protein.
Trainer vs. Donkey Kong.
So I'm an anemic instructor and you're King Kong.
I love your yoga pants.
Oh, there I am.
Oh, she can fight.
Not very intense.
I love that a mallet.
>> That's a huge hammer, you can pick it up.
CONAN: She's using it not to fight.
Ahhh!
>> Donkey Kong.
CONAN: It's been an insane experience.
Probably the craziest experience I've had playing a video game but now let's make it even crazier and jump to four players.
I'd like to introduce Kramer.
Kramer, what do you do on the show?
>> A lot of things.
CONAN: Yeah, right.
And my assistant ready to play in game?
>> Yes.
>> Sona, you're player four.
CONAN: Don't be an elf.
Kirby is a blob, something left over from a construction site.
>> We're going to play Skyloft in Zelda.
>> No.
CONAN: Are you familiar with Skyloft in Zelda?
>> Yes.
CONAN: You're fired tomorrow.
Who was our second president.
>> Thomas Jefferson?
CONAN: No!
>> You almost said Abraham Lincoln.
>> I heard you almost say it.
CONAN: Check the tape.
Check the tape.
Yes!
>> What a fool.
Three, two, one, go!
>> Which one are you?
Oh, you're Kirby.
I'm going to beat the crap out of you.
>> That's a chomper.
CONAN: What's a chomper?
>> Walk towards the other people.
CONAN: Why should it?
Nothing seems to matter.
>> You have a flower.
CONAN: A flower is a good weapon.
In you're in a street fight, grab a flower.
Is that a strip of bacon?
Now we're on a putting green.
What's this purple thing that looks like a ghost.
What is this thing?
Now I'm just hitting buttons.
Look, I'm actually doing better than I've done so far, bashing this against my chest.
Look, Kirby is trying to -- doesn't have arms.
He has humorous benign growths which wiggle when he's excited and they're benign so please don't write in.
I think this is a fantastically imaginative game.
I wish it were simpler.
I wish it involved a guy taking a walk and trying to find a cookie.
And I wish it had one button.
There was go forward and another button that was "eat cookie."
I'm very impressed we got the chance to play.
Do you like the cover?
>> That is a great cover.
CONAN: This is the cover they might go with, apparently.
>> Is that you punching?
CONAN: It's either me punching or my fist smells.