Clueless Gamer: Conan Reviews "The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt"

May 07, 2015

Conan explores the exciting and terrifyingly sexy world of "The Witcher: Wild Hunt."

TranscriptHey, Conan O'Brien here with my friend Erin -- Aaron blarlte ? AARON BLEYAERT: Hello. CONAN: That was awkward the we're here with another clueless gamer and this is very exciting, "the witcher wild hunted.? A sneak peek 79 what can you tell us about it? AARON BLEYAERT: Do you want to hear the back story? CONAN: Everything in my body says no but yes. AARON BLEYAERT: You are a witcher and it's opened up a world where monsters have come in and as a result of that -- CONAN: I'm regretting asking you for the back story. Deeply regretting if. AARON BLEYAERT: So he kind of adopted this young girl named Siri -- CONAN: The same one that tells you information on the iPhone? AARON BLEYAERT: I don't think so. CONAN: Are we sure there is not a tie-in? Very suspicious to me that the witcher befriends someone who happens to be the voice of the iPhone and he does it with his pet crow, google. AARON BLEYAERT: The southern emperor, amar -- he's the emperor of milfg a. Rd. That's what you need to know. CONAN: You didn't just say that. Did you? AARON BLEYAERT: Yeah. CONAN: I'm the emperor of nilfgard -- you have got to stop talking the -- talking. I know that was a battle. A bird just flew into someone's eye. AARON BLEYAERT: That's yenifer -- CONAN: Did you say yenif rempletsnmplet why don't you just say Jennifer? We're in America -- oh, no, they tricked me into being turned on! I got turned on by those feet coming out of the tub and it's a dude! This game just outed me. To -- that totally was unfair. Oh, look at that. Whoah. What, why is he leaving? Who leaves when a woman is sitting on a chair flaked? AARON BLEYAERT: That's yenifer. CONAN: Is there another word there? I just talk? AARON BLEYAERT: You want to hit a there. AARON BLEYAERT: See, I thought siri could wait a little bit longer the ? AARON BLEYAERT: Isn't that something you ought to be doing? Not now. Siri awaits the isn't that something you ought to be doing? Not now, Siri awaits. CONAN: I've been in this situation before. It could take months. I don't care what realm you live in, some things never change. She's not in the mood. Do you think it's possible that later on she'll have sex with me? AARON BLEYAERT: I mean maybe, depending the there are 36 different endings in this game. CONAN: As long as one of them is happy. At this point it's clear to me that it's clear you can have sex with a woman in this game and I want to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That would be a new frontier for me. Never done that. AARON BLEYAERT: So we're looking for the lady we saw naked before. AARON BLEYAERT: It does smell of lilac and gooseberries. CONAN: Lilac and gooseberries? Well, we were only a few feet behind her. then we sat and talked for six days and now she's far away in the land of Zib czar. Oh! Yes. Look, that's me doing yard work. Come on, ghoul. Now where? AARON BLEYAERT: Now we're going to skip ahead. CONAN: Let's go to sex island! I want and -- an erotic adventure. Where are we? AARON BLEYAERT: On the skill ig isle. Hunting monsters. CONAN: Hunting monsters seems to be a theme. AARON BLEYAERT: Hunt from dusk to dawn. CONAN: You know what these people like? A nice long chat. The gabbiest gang of people I've ever met. Do you know which way he went? Well, it puts me in mind a tale. AARON BLEYAERT: Keep going. CONAN: It's people bumping into each other. Look at that. Oh, sire, sorry, I was not quite big enough. AARON BLEYAERT: We think the drowners are down here. CONAN: You know what? Drowners probably hang out near the water. Watch this. Take that! Finally, action. AARON BLEYAERT: Now hold the left trigger. We're going to use our witcher power. CONAN: It says chicken sandwich! You must go to brat freak and talk to the drowners about the sea glord. Chicken sandwich? Look at all the food he has. Mugs of beer. Nuts and berries. Apple juice. What is he, in kindergarten? AARON BLEYAERT: Time for my apple juice and Graham crackers, then a nap and stories. CONAN: Where is his sex finder? No more apple juice. AARON BLEYAERT: X and y. Go for it. A lot of guys. CONAN: Kill them all! There's a time for talking and a time for fighting. AARON BLEYAERT: Oh, I killed you! CONAN: Why did you kill me? You leaned over to help me and you blew me up. I'm never getting laid now. AARON BLEYAERT: Sorry about that. CONAN: Now I'm just a little on fire. Water hag? With my luck this is where we have the sex, with a water hag the you know what? It's -- let's get a look atler in the light. If she's halfway decent, I'm good to go. The water hag -- I'll have one of -- or two of those beers. Oh, my god, she needs a bra! AARON BLEYAERT: Die, water hag, burn! CONAN: I was willing to do it with you! AARON BLEYAERT: Water hag, dead. Maybe we should skip to some naked girls. CONAN: Yes! Is this a sexy baths house? Oh, sorry. There's two naked women right here. Do I talk to them? AARON BLEYAERT: You could try. I don't know if anything with -- will happen. CONAN: In my experience, it won't. This is the kingdom've blue ballsa. Tries -- tried talking to nine different women, got nowhere. Now we're in the sausage hument let's kill everybody. Well, I'll tell you one thing about our hero, he tied his towel very securely. I can't walk three steps without my towel falling off. This guy is so sexually frustrated, you know who is coming out of his hands? His backed-up semen the look, he sprayed it all over the place. All right. This is the most erotic thing that's happened in this game so far. AARON BLEYAERT: I think there is a good part with yenifer. Now we've been in a party with her and we're going 0 steal this magical mask which is going to be a compass to find Siri. CONAN: You're saying if I complete this mation, yenifer will be so impressed, I'm in? I now have any incentive. Yenifer -- AARON BLEYAERT: This is it. CONAN: What's that growling? Must be pizzheenis growling the -- his penis growling the oh, who's that? Everything was going well and count blockula shows um. OK, no time for this. This creature is just a burned pinata. AARON BLEYAERT: Yes. Where's yenifer? CONAN: I saved her life. What's happening? This could be it, this could be it. AARON BLEYAERT: We must talk to -- CONAN: No talking! >> When are you going to finally burn this piece of chicken? CONAN: Having sex on a stuffed unicorn? Get out of here. Get out! CONAN: Ah, witcher the wild hunt comes out may 19 and it's the best thing that ever happened. In my whole life.

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