1. CONAN Dallas Monologue 03/31/14

CONAN Dallas Monologue 03/31/14

CONAN Highlight: #ConanDallas kicks off with jokes about Whataburger, the Houston Astros, the Final Four, and more... #ConanDallas [This Content Also Available In CONAN360°]


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Transcript:

CONAN: I TRAVELED MANY PLACES AND FINALLY I'M IN A CITY WHERE MY HAIR IS BIG ENOUGH TO FIT IN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
YOU GUYS INVENTED THIS!
NOW WE TRAVELED A LOT OF PLACES, RIGHT, ANDY.
ANDY: WE DID.
CONAN: I WILL TRY MY HARDEST EVER TO GIVE YOU PEOPLE A GREAT SHOW.
YOU KNOW WHY?
AUDIENCE: WHY?
CONAN: BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE ARMED, ALL RIGHT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
CONAN: IF HAVE AN EXTRA GUN, SHARE IT WITH THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU, PEOPLE.
I'M LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR CITY.
I STUDIED.
DALLAS OFFICIALLY BECAME A CITY IN 1871.
TRUE STORY.
THAT WAS THE YEAR THE FOUNDING FATHERS BROKE GROUND ON THE FIRST WHATABURGER.
YEAH.
PRETTY SEXY, THAT WHATABURGER SAUCE GOING DOWN.
WHAT A GREAT SPORTS TOWN IT IS.
ANDY: YEAH.
CONAN: TODAY IS OPENING DAY FOR MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.
[APPLAUSE]
CONAN: OPENING DAY.
BY THE WAY, JUST AN HOUR AGO, THE HOUSTON ASTROS WERE MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED.
[APPLAUSE]
CONAN: THAT IS HARD TO DO ON OPENING DAY!
GREAT TO BE HERE IN DALLAS FOR THE FINAL FOUR.
CONGRATULATIONS ON HAVING THE FINAL FOUR.
YEAH.
WHAT A GREAT DAY.
OF COURSE, IN TEXAS THE FINAL FOUR REFERS TO THE NUMBER OF DEMOCRATS IN THE LEGISLATURE.
[LAUGHTER]
CONAN: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WE ARE HERE ALL WEEK.
THANK YOU.
OF COURSE, SPORTS IS NOT THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE IN THIS TOWN.
DALLAS IS HOME TO MANY INCREDIBLE ART MUSEUMS.
JUST INCREDIBLE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
[APPLAUSE]
CONAN: AND WHILE I'M HERE I PLAN TO DRIVE BY ALL OF THEM.
[LAUGHTER]
CONAN: YOU KNOW, EVERY CITY IN TEXAS, OF COURSE, HAS THEIR OWN MOTTO.
THE CITY OF AUSTIN'S MOTTO IS KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD.
I PREFER THE DALLAS MOTTO, KEEP THAT WEIRD SHIT IN AUSTIN!
[APPLAUSE]